Cold
by Yaoi flame
Summary: Eiri is too cold. Shuichi thinks Eiri doesn't have a clue what love is and he's desperate. And Hiro has a secret lover...What if Shuichi decides to leave the writer and will Eiri manage to save their relationship in time?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or their characters. I own only this story. And I own the song that Shuichi sings.

Please R&R!

It was one of those moments-when you think nobody loves you, you're all alone in this cruel and disgusting world.

It was one of those days in week that you hate the most. It is one long and exhausting day whose end is visible through the microscope.

One of those terrifying moments that is killing you throughout that damned day.

That was his day. That was his moment.

He couldn't sing. He barely ate. He barely slept. Yet he had enough energy to observe things around him. Outside, birds were free and seemed they were happy.

His lover seemed to be content and carefree son of a bitch.

From one cheerful guy he became pathetic piece of nothing. The worst of all was he couldn't get used to that idea. That he was smashed like a bug on the carpet, just because for the first time in his life things weren't running smooth.

He could say he was miserable because he was lacking inspiration, Hiro suddenly stopped giving the advices and other shit to him, his mother never called…But that would be a lie. It all was very bad and he hated it, but the real reason why he was like that was Eiri. Nobody else but him.

If the young writer thought that Shuichi was strong enough to handle all his shit, he was wrong.

It was time for him to chill out a bit. Shuichi was breaking. Shuichi was decaying alive.

Would it kill the traumatized man to be gentle to his lover? Would it kill him if he even tried?

--

"Eat the dinner." he ordered him coldly.

"Not hungry" was all Shu managed to say. He left the dining room seconds after, leaving Yuki to eat alone.

What was the purpose of it all? Spread your legs for the writer so he could penetrate you well. Stay out of his way when he's busy. And he's always busy, sitting in his study and writing endlessly.

It was very ironic, the fact that Yuki was drabbling about love, and he didn't even have a clue what love was, according to the singer. What the hell does he know about love?

What did Eiri know about shattered pieces of heart, about wounded soul that bleed to death and carried on dying and dying over and over again?

'Stop lying to the world, Yuki!' he was screaming from inside.

But nobody could hear his cries. He wanted to disappear, he wanted to die, he wanted to talk to someone if only he could find somebody who could understand.

He needed warmth. He needed to be protected from that awful reality. It was killing him. The fact that he wasn't loved was his silent killer.

--

"Did you know that Mr. Shindou was taking painkillers and some medications for psychical disorders?"

"What?!"

"He's been addicted to them for quite some time now. But he is too young and too weak to handle them."

"Stupid kid!" he muttered, "Can I see him?"

The doctor nodded.

Eiri went into the room where his lover was sitting on the bed.

"Luckily you puked all of it. Otherwise you'd be dead." was all he said to the boy.

"Fuck you, Eiri!"

"What the hell did you think you were doing then?! What disorders do you have, you little brat?!" Shuichi couldn't see, but it was worry, not anger behind those words.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm not a psycho like you!" he yelled at the writer. What was enough, was enough.

Eiri grabbed him and shook his shoulders angrily.

"You have no idea what you're talking about. You'd better shut your big mouth!"

Shuichi shoved his arms. He stood up to get dressed.

"Don't make a scene, you asshole!" he hissed, "Stop yelling at me for once." he rolled his eyes.

Eiri was just staring in shock at his angered lover.

He had never seen his lover like that before.

--

_You don't love me_

_You don't care_

_Now you wanna be a hero_

_But don't you dare_

Eiri heard on the radio the magic voice of his singer. He shifted in his chair, wanting to hear a little more.

_You don't know my pain_

_All the things I said_

_I said them in vain_

_But now I wish I was dead_

'What the hell…?' the author thought. All of it, the way Shuichi was singing, his melodic yet pained voice…Like he was talking to him.

_All the pieces of my heart_

_All the pieces of my shattered pride…_

_You left me in dark_

_You let your shits to divide_

_Us…_

"Shuichi?" he ran out of the study straight into the kitchen where Shuichi was making dinner.

The singer looked calm and peaceful.

"When did you plan to tell me about that song?!" he found his heart beating infuriately.

"Huh?" Shuichi turned his head nonchalantly.

"You know well what I'm talking about! The lyrics…"

"Hiro wrote them for me. I had no inspiration." the boy yawned, "Since I can't take those medications anymore, I can't write."

"Shuichi…" Eiri hugged the boy from behind. "What's going on with you?"

"As if you give a damn." Shuichi snorted. Eiri released him.

"Tell me…the rest of it."

"I'm not in the mood to sing." Shuichi's voice was tired and broken.

--

"You know what the hell was going on with the brat" Eiri was talking over the phone with Hiro, "Did he write that song…"Broken", I think?"

"Yuki, why do I always have to mediate between you two?" the boy asked.

"Did he write it?"

"I did."

"Why? Did he ask you to?"

"Is this the damn interrogation? Please give me a break!" Hiro was pissed off.

"Can I read the rest of it?"

"I propose to listen to it." Hiro hung up after saying him that.

--

_I died the day you told me you loved me_

_I never knew that my heart would bleed_

_Your words like the blade of the sword_

_I won't let you, I won't…no more…_

_Kill my illusions_

_Kill them all_

_I'm just a husk _

_From the dawn to the dusk_

_You don't know my pain_

_All the things I said_

_I said them in vain_

_But now I wish I was dead_

When he heard the end of the song, it was clear that Hiro was the one to be hurt, not Shuichi. It was really Hiro that wrote the song. Eiri had never told Shuichi he loved him.

But Shuichi's voice was telling the different story.

--

"Take one my pill and tell me what is wrong." Eiri offered one night.

"I don't have PTSD."

"No, but it might help."

Shuichi hesitantly took one pill.

"What do you want from me?"

"To tell me what is wrong."

"Please look for the material for your novels somewhere else." Shuichi waved his hand, "Thanks for the pill anyway." he left the apartment.

Where was that cheerful Shuichi he fell in love with?

Was he dead?

If so, who killed him?

'You killed him' told him his conscience.

--

--

--

The wind was blowing outside. Hiro got out of the NG building and was heading to his car when the voice stopped him.

"I need to talk to you."

He turned to look at the man he loved.

"You lied to me."

"I really love you."

The wind was playing with his auburn hair.

His eyes were sad.

"You never loved me. You only fucked me."

The man approached him.

"Don't make me repeat myself."

"You have eyes only for one person." Hiro sighed, "Please drop all of this. I'm too tired to fight with you again."

A hand caressed his cheek.

Hiro shivered.

"It's been a long way, Hiroshi, for me to discover who I really love. I thought I loved them both, but it turned out that it's neither of them."

"Good for you." Hiro turned his back to him.

"Hiroshi!" the man shouted after him.

"Just drop it, Tohma…" Hiro said and started the engine.

--

--

--

The remains of the dinner were on the table. It was silent and dark in his dining room. Before him, Hiro was sitting, contently drinking his vine.

"I'm glad you haven't lost your talent for cooking." he said.

Shuichi was looking at him seriously.

"It's been a while, hasn't it, Hiro? Where is my old friend that I used to hang out with?"

Hiro looked at him, then he lowered his head.

"I'm sorry, Shu…I was having some problems…"

"So, the song I sang, the newest one, you wrote it for…?"

Hiro lowered his head even more, taking another sip off his vine.

"A lot of things have changed…" he whispered.

Shuichi nodded.

"I agree."

--

"It began…I dunno…a few months ago. I dunno how it happened, but Tohma and I…"

Shuichi widened his eyes.

"Seguchi Tohma?"

Hiro nodded.

"But I know he doesn't love me for real. He loves Mika and Yuki."

"Well, I'm not sure about Mika…"

"Anyway, I know I was just his fuck toy. And he keeps on bugging me every fuckin' day…But I can't come back to him…it's too painful not to be the first…"

"Hiro…" Shuichi was about to cry.

"He told me he loved me. I never believed in those words. I wrote that song and you sang it for me…"

Shuichi was looking at him, broken, because his best friend has tasted suffer.

"…but it seemed like you were the one to be hurt…Yuki called me and asked me about the song."

"What?!" Shuichi frowned.

"I know there are some problems between you two." Hiro said seriously.

"I think I'll leave him. I can't do this to myself anymore." the singer sighed.

--

Yuki was passing by the dining room just in time to hear the last line of their conversation.

'What?!' he was in shock. Shuichi was considering to leave him?

"Sleep with me, Hiro."

"Huh?"

"Let's comfort each other."

"B-but…" the guitarist was stuttering.

"Just like we used to play when we were younger…"

Yuki was still like a rock. Shuichi's words were killing him.

He wanted everything, everything but to be alone.

'No, Shuichi! It can't be!'

"Let me think about it."

Shuichi nodded.

"I think it's about time for me to leave."

They stood up and Shuichi placed a peck on Hiro's lips. "Friends with privilege." he whispered into his ear.

Betrayal was burning inside the novelist. His Shuichi, his beautiful rebel boy…in hands of another man…

'What have I done?!' he was screaming from inside. 'I never wanted this!'

"Good night, Yuki." said Hiro as he passed next to him.

"Night." he replied, trying to sound as normal as possible. Then he headed to the bathroom to take his medication.

--

That night in the bed, Eiri was totally different man.

He was kissing the pink haired boy gently. He was caressing his body, reaching every sensitive spots he knew Shuichi had.

He was all gentle, yet he was passionate. Shuichi was pleasantly surprised. He gave into the gentle touches, moaning like mad as Yuki was doing him all those crazy stuff with his tongue.

"Shuichi…" the man groaned, "Fuck me tonight…"

'Don't you ever leave me…' his soul was crying, his body was trembling. He was near tears.

Shuichi was staring at him, stunned. It was Yuki that was always on top.

"Eiri?"

"Fuck me…"

The boy smiled. And then he fucked him hard. Very, very hard.

Yuki was trembling from sensations that Shuichi was sending throughout his body. His cock was making wonders.

He was craving for more.

He was desperate to receive as much of Shuichi as he could, every atom of his body, every drop of his sweat.

"Harder! Faster!" he was begging, not ordering.

Shuichi was mad from desire, accelerating and knocking him hard.

Yuki was loud in bed for the first time in his life.

They came together and the boy collapsed on the blonde.

"Oh, God, this was…"

"Shuichi…"

--

When Hiro got back, there was Tohma at his door.

"What do you want?'

"I need to talk to you."

"We have nothing to talk about."

"Just one night for talking, that's all I ask." his eyes were begging. "I need it."

Hiro rolled his eyes.

"If I let you in…no, Tohma…I-I can't." he shook his head. "I'm sorry." he lowered his head.

Tohma nodded and walked away with his head lowered as well.

"I will wait for you" Hiro could hear behind his back.

--

In the darkness of the room, one man was extremely gentle to another one.

"Eiri?"

"Yes?" the novelist was dazed from Shuichi's closeness.

"Nothing…" Shuichi closed his tired eyes. He was crying silently in Eiri's embrace.

'Why….why me? Why us?' he was thinking deliriously.

--

AN: This will be continued if I receive enough reviews. Otherwise this will be the only chapter of this story. Though I'd like to continue it.

Well, I sad what I had. It's up to you, my dearest readers. :)


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Sorry to disappoint you guys, but there is no band or singer who sings that song. It is mine. Somebody asked me what the title of the song is. It's "Broken". My poems aren't copyright, though. But I don't consider them good at all!

Enjoy this chapter and please review afterwards.

--

There was no way to stop that madness. He was dead from inside and he wanted to be alive again.

"Shuichi…"

The sunlight was illuminating them in the early morning. Their arms and legs were entangled. Shuichi's head was resting on Eiri's chest.

They were breathing calmly, rhythmically. They looked so happy at that moment.

Yuki opened his eyes slowly.

"Shuichi…" he whispered again.

The boy opened his eyes slowly.

"Hn"

Yuki was stroking the pink hair gently.

"Shu…"

"Yeah…?" the boy finally opened his eyes and then yawned lazily. He looked at his lover.

"Don't go…"

"I won't. It is warm in bed…" Shuichi said and then turned to his side.

Like strangers….Yuki lost the warmth of his lover.

He scooted to the singer, hugging him from behind.

He started sucking on his long pale neck.

"You want more?" asked Shuichi all of a sudden.

Yuki was nuzzling his neck affectionately.

"I just want to…"

"What?"

"To…"

'..be close to you' he wanted to say, yet the words refused to go out.

"Forget it." Shuichi waved his hand and then got up.

"Gotta go to work now."

"It's 7 a.m.!"

Shuichi looked at him furiously.

"That never stopped you to work before. Why should it stop me?" he got dressed quickly and ran out of the room.

Eiri could hear the front door closed.

Again, the same bitterness in his boyfriend's words. Failure. Again.

Eiri stood up and went to the bathroom. He needed another pill. He was falling into depression.

He adored Shuichi. He was crazy about him from the moment he first kissed him. The memory was still burning vividly in his mind. But he never wanted to show his affection. He didn't want to be hurt again.

There was one thing he had learned while being in New York: If you show that you care, they'll take advantage over you and hurt you. Like it happened with Kitazawa. Not that he thought Shuichi would rape him-far away from that. He was just afraid to love somebody again. He was afraid to open up.

And he adored how much Shuichi was haunting him, how Shuichi was obsessed with him. It was flattering. It was good, even if that was making the boy sad.

Now Yuki knew he crossed the line.

He was tasting his own medicine now.

It had awful taste of sadness and loneliness.

'I don't want to be alone!' his mind was screaming.

'Please don't stop loving me, Shuichi!'

But his pride was still as a rock. He couldn't make himself apologize and open up.

That was his catch 22.

--

_Kiss my eyes_

_Drink my tears_

_Melt the ice and warm my soul_

_Let them go, all my fears…_

"Shu, this is good! I'm glad you have your inspiration back! And it sounds good." said Hiro.

Shuichi smiled. "Yeah, but I managed to write only these few verses…I'm still so numb and all…" he trailed off. Tohma went in.

"It was good" he said, "Just like the last one, I hope that it would become the hit." he was talking to Shuichi, completely ignoring Hiro.

The red haired boy frowned. He liked Tohma's attention. Although it was painful, he never wanted Tohma to stop bugging him. Yet, Tohma knew better.

"Yeah, sure thing." Shuichi winked.

Tohma nodded.

"Jus t keep up." with those words he left.

Hiro covered his face with his hands. "Why do I love him so much?"

He started to cry. "Why is everything so fucked up?" he sat in the chair.

From the other side of the glass, Tohma was observing him. He heard everything. And then he smiled.

--

"Hiro, please, don't lose yourself…" he kneeled before his friend, "It will be ok."

"It won't." Hiro said and wiped his tears. "What the hell do you know about that?!" he ran out of the studio. Shuichi sat in the chair where Hiro was sitting just a second ago. He shook his head and sighed.

"I wish at least one of us to be happy…"he whispered.

--

Three bottles were spread over the carpet, and Yuki was totally drunk .

"Shuichi…" he groaned. "Why aren't you happy with me?"

--

Shuichi entered the apartment. He could hear vomiting sounds from the bathroom. He rolled his eyes.

"Drunk again, that dickhead!" he muttered.

Yuki barely walked out of the bathroom.

"Eiri…" Shuichi approached him. "Why?"

"Like you care, you brat!" he fell on the couch, tripping over the bottles.

Shuichi sat beside him, ready to cry.

"Why again?"

"Just get out of my sight!"

"Please tell me!" Shuichi was begging. He grabbed Eiri's head and made him look in his eyes.

"We can't be like this anymore, year after year…" Shuichi said, "You're drunk constantly and I keep cleaning after you…I just can't live like that anymore…"

"Then go! Go and never come back, you stupid kid! Why, what's attaching you to me?! You nuisance!" Yuki was shouting. His true himself was locked deep inside, watching that, unable to stop those mouth to move.

'No! I don't mean that at all! Shuichi, please don't listen to him! He's not me!'

Shuichi shook his head furiously.

"Why, Eiri?" he started to cry, "Why you don't want me? Last night you wanted me to fuck you, and now…" he was sobbing furiously, choking, "I…Why don't you want me? Why don't you love me?!" he grabbed the writer's shirt, shaking him uncontrollably. Yuki's face was expressionless.

He shoved the boy and stood up.

"I have work to do. Besides, it is better to fuck the fangirls than to fuck you and watch you cry all the time. Be a man, for God's sake!" he said and after tripping over the bottles again, managed somehow to reach his study.

"Fine! If that's what you want, you drunken psycho!" Shuichi shouted after him, running out of the apartment. He was still crying.

--

_Kiss my eyes_

_Drink my tears_

_Melt the ice and warm my soul_

_Let them go, all my fears…_

_Let me love you_

_Let me please you_

_Can't you see, my love_

_That I need you?_

_Why can't you…?_

_Why won't you…?_

_I need you_

_But I feel so dead_

_You crippled my being_

_I'd love if you cripple my body_

_Can't you remember what we have been?_

_Why cant' you see my sacrifice? I don't want nobody…_

_I want you…_

_Cripple me completely_

_Leave nothing behind_

_As I die_

_I'll just look rewind_

_You used to make me happy_

_Now I feel so dead_

The radio was playing in Yuki's study.

"Brat…" he whispered. The singer's voice was so painful to the writer's ears, leaving him completely in darkness of his mind.

'What have I done?!'

But he didn't dare to go and look for him. He wouldn't know what to tell him. He wouldn't know what to do.

The deadline was approaching. He had to write.

--

That was the rest of Shuichi's song. As many others, it became a hit.

But after it, his inspiration died again. He was in no mood to write. His voice was horrible.

--

He woke up in bed next to Hiro. It was his second moth in the apartment of his best friend.

He blinked, looking to the right, to find Hiro, who was still sleeping peacefully.

'This is just cheap consolation, nothing more. We ruined our friendship.' he thought.

Then he closed his tired eyes again.

_**Flashback**_

He was knocking for a long time and then somebody opened the door. He really couldn't see who opened it, because his eyes were full of tears.

But he knew where he was. And he recognized the voice.

"Shu?"

"Hiro!" Shuichi fell into his arms. "Hiro, I need you to be with me…"

"What did he do again?" Hiro sighed.

"Never ask me, never!" he was shaking Hiro the way he was shaking Eiri just minutes ago. "Just please love me…"

"Huh?"

Shuichi collapsed on the floor before the door.

"I need to be loved…Nobody loves me…" he was sobbing.

Hiro helped him in, afraid Shuichi disturbed the neighbors.

"Stop it!" he yelled at his friend, but Shuichi kept on his pathetic little drama.

"Love me, Hiro…" he was out of his mind, "Forget Tohma…Love me…"

Hiro slapped him hard and Shu fell on the couch, cupping his cheek.

"Stop with this hysteria!" Hiro shouted, "Calm down, Shu!" he sat beside the boy, hugging him.

Shuichi calmed down minutes later, but he was still sobbing. Then he looked at Hiro, all serious.

Then he kissed him. Hiro kissed back, to his own surprise.

"Have you considered the offer I gave you that evening at my…Eiri's place?" he asked softly. His eyes were dazed.

Hiro nodded.

"I think that's a bad idea, my friend." he said quietly, "it would mean nothing."

"No, Hiro…"

"Shu…" Hiro caressed the boy's cheek. "Where were you when I loved you? You loved Yuki. Now I love Tohma." he sighed and shook his head.

"Sex isn't love, Hiroshi." said Shuichi and jumped on him, kissing him roughly.

Hiro knew Shuichi was right.

But he wasn't sure if the things between Shu and Eiri were over. Maybe it was just another crisis in a row.

They started kissing fiercely, exploring each other's mouth curiously.

It was strange kissing Hiro again, after so many years.

He was desperate for touch of the boy. He was desperate for warmth.

"Hiro…" he groaned, letting the guitarist attack his throat.

Soft kisses were all over his neck as the wet tongue was dancing all around. Then it went up, to his ear, sending shivers throughout his body. He pressed Hiro closer, feeling that his pants became too tight.

"This is wrong…" Hiro whispered, when he stopped ravishing his best friend's neck.

"Please, Hiro…" Shuichi was begging.

He undid several buttons on Hiro's shirt, revealing beautiful, pale skin. He forgot how beautiful Hiro was. He was staring at him in awe.

But he wasn't Eiri. His sweet, yet bitter, lover.

Ex lover.

Love of his life.

But Shuichi wanted to forget. He was fed up with constant forgiving. He wanted to fly away and never come back. He wanted to melt into warmth. To forget. To forget…

His thoughts were somewhere far, while he was making love to Hiro on the couch, on the carpet, on the wall and finally, on the bed.

It was so wrong, but still, it was so right.

He was feeling dirty and guilty, yet he did nothing to stop the lovemaking. They went too far.

Hiro was feeling bad as well. He wanted his Tohma back. But after that, he…

He collapsed on Shuichi, then he rolled on his back. He was holding his best friend so close.

"Everything for you…" he whispered.

"I'm sorry, Hiro…" Shuichi said, "Please forgive me…"

_**End flashback**_

That was their first and only time. They have been sleeping in the same bed since then. Nothing more. Just to share the warmth.

--

Tohma was looking at his soon-to-be ex wife.

She signed the papers.

He was grateful.

"You know we got married only because of Eiri. Don't feel bad because of this." said Mika, "It was our alliance. To keep him safe together."

Tohma smiled. "Yeah. But he's so fragile now, when Shuichi left him."

Mika nodded.

"Still, you have to run for your own happiness, Tohma. He's not a child anymore.'

"But he's a drunker and he has PTSD."

"Just leave it to me. Go to that Hiroshi guy." she winked.

She was sad.

But if you love someone, then set him free. She knew that.

--

Tohma was walking through the park, in deep thought.

'What if Hiro stopped loving me….?'

--

AN: The same rule for this chapter-if I get enough reviews (at least 4-see, I'm not requiring much), this will be continued.

I hope you liked this one as much as you liked the previous one (or even more ;) )

Until the next chapter,

Sincerely yours

Yaoi flame


	3. Chapter 3

Yuki's POV

All the pain I feel…It's just too much. Every second it grows bigger and bigger….

I wish I was dead.

But I don't want to die.

I feel fear.

I feel so desperate.

What do I do?

Where to go?

Should I take my razor and cut my arteries?

Or should I handle all of this like a man?

My novel is almost done. It's gonna go on sale in about two days.

Public eyes are all looking at me.

What do they expect?

A miracle?!

All I want is to be loved.

I miss Shuichi.

And my PTSD is getting worse.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so lost.

Mika and Tohma got divorced because of that red headed little slut.

That Hiroshi guy…

I've recently found out that my brat is living with him.

It is quite possible they're screwing. It would be no wonder.

Ex lovers…And now they're together again.

And how to go and tell him I was sorry? How should I explain to him how much I'm screwed up and it has nothing to do with him? How to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that everything was happening in my messed up mind?

Would he believe me?

Or would I just wake his rage?

I slowly walk to the kitchen. I'm too weak. I'm collapsing more often now. It's because I don't eat. What a pathetic and lousy man I have become! I'm so disgusting to myself!

I'm afraid to sleep. I dream apocalypse. Every time, the four riders come and fetch me.

First rider that fetches me is hunger.

That's because I'm so hungry in reality. Yet I can't make myself eat.

Then there comes war and I see horrible images of dead people.

Later, plague, the third rider, enters my body.

I feel weak. I feel fever.

And in the end, the fourth one, death, comes to take my life.

I wake up every time I see the death.

I wish to dream a little longer.

--

Shuichi's POV

Fame. Isn't that what all of us want? To be adored, to be rich, to have everything.

But I know that our wishes are wrong.

I want to be loved. I want to be held tightly into somebody's embrace. I want to feel happy and safe.

I want to go to Yuki and forgive him. I want to start all over again.

I want to leave the band, to leave singing.

I can't sing if I don't have my inspiration. Without Yuki, I'm just one half of the whole.

I despise his fame and my fame. I'd love if Kitazawa could be brought back to life, so I could kill him again, in front of Yuki's eyes.

I want to kill all of his fears. I want to make him happy. But he shooed me away. He killed me.

All I have…they're only wishes.

I feel so dead. I feel so empty.

Hiro and I...

I feel so dirty. After Yuki shooed me away, I ran straight into Hiro's arms, sat on his cock many times that night, like I had nothing to do with my blonde.

I feel so awful.

I still sleep in Hiro's bed, but we don't make love. We just share the warmth we'd rather share with the ones whom we gave our hearts.

Tohma keeps calling every day. He knows for me and Hiro. Yet he doesn't dare to tell that to Eiri.

--

Tohma's POV

It would kill him. He loves that brat. He adores him, I can see in his eyes.

It's enough that it killed _me_. My Hiro…He had never been truly mine.

I was the one who screwed up. For the first time in my life I feel human feelings. I feel guilt. I feel love.

I wish I showed Hiro how much I loved him. I still love him.

And he…

How can I carry on after this?

Is it possible that I'm _that_ pathetic?

I'm still walking through this park, every time I want to clear my thoughts. Maybe this was God's way to punish me for making Shuichi's life miserable. Now he's making mine.

Somewhere deep inside, I know it was all wrong from the beginning. It was my messed up mind, my sick mind, that was separating Shuichi and Eiri. I insisted on them being separated that I forgot what happiness really was.

And finally, it slipped through my hands when I finally found it.

Hiroshi…

**Flashback**

He was kissing my temples countless times, then his lips kissed the tip of my nose. It was sweet. It was so cute. I looked at him, at his big blue eyes, in surprise, and he smiled. He helped me get up from the floor.

I tripped and fell and he was there to help me up. He kissed my temples. He kissed my nose.

When I was finally up, he was still looking at me. I recognized the smile on his face. His lips were making such a perfect curve of happiness. The smile was dancing on his face.

"I hope you're alright, Mr. Seguchi." he said, becoming formal again.

But the warmth of his lips never stopped burning places where they touched me.

When I tripped, he ran straight to me, thinking I hurt my head. I let him be. And he kissed me in worry.

I smiled at that small recalling.

"Yes, I'm fine." I replied. Deep inside, I wanted to destroy my entire face, so he could kiss all those places in order to heal my wounds.

I didn't know what was happening to me. And then I realized with terror. He infected me with romance.

**End flashback**

Recalling is a silent killer, yet I keep recalling.

--

Hiro's POV

I woke up this morning, but Shuichi wasn't there. He was out. Strangely, I was glad.

What we had done then-it was wrong. Yet sometimes you need to so stupid things.

I hate this loneliness. I could be with hundred people in the same room, and I'd still feel lonely. They could all talk to me, entertaining me, loving me-but I'd still be lonely.

I don't know how to explain that. Maybe I've found the person that could start my engines. His spell is unique. I just look at those eyes and I'm his forever.

Yet he had smarter things to do. He loved Mika, he loved Yuki. He never loved me. I was just temporary solution for his sexual desires.

But it hadn't been sex all the time. There was depth, although I knew he was pretending.

**Flashback**

"Yes, I'm fine" he replied. He was looking at me for a long time, then he turned and left the studio.

He tripped over something and I felt the urge to help him, save him, heal him. I was worried sick, didn't know what to do. It was on impulse, I just found my lips on his face, kissing his temples. And nose.

But he never protested. I was scared. I was grateful. He was smiling at me. I felt relief. But I was feeling desperate to touch him again.

I don't know how it started, my fascination with Tohma. He was cute enough and it was somehow easy to fall for him.

**End flashback**

And I'm still falling. I'm falling into deep abyss.

I hear the doorbell. I know it's him. He comes every day, to bug me until I give in once again. But how can I?

I dress up quickly and run to the door. I'm excited I'll see him, but I'm broken by his cruelty. His possessiveness over Yuki killed me. I don't know if he's worth another shot.

"Hiro." he's looking at me anxiously. "Please let's talk."

I adore him. I adore that silly hat he wears. I adore his sense for fashion. His extravagancy. I adore Tohma.

I let him in for the first time. I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake.

He sits on the couch, still looking at me. His eyes are cutting through my skin. I want to fuck him. I want to die.

"What do you want?" I'm not managing to hide hurt in my voice. He knows I'm broken.

Words were never easy to be found.

"I just want to…" he stands up, approaches me. He's running his long fingers through my hair. He licks his lips. He's hesitant. Seguchi Tohma is never hesitant. "…touch your face." He caresses my cheek and I'm letting him be.

"I just want to…" his voice is husky, his eyes are sad. "..hold you." he wants to hug me, yet I deny him.

"This isn't talk. You won't drag me in bed again." But I want to be dragged wherever he wants to drag me. I want to be his dog again.

"Please punch me." he begs, I see desperation in his eyes. He was breaking in front of me. "Beat me to death." he begs.

I do so. I punch his angelic face, beneath which is one awful devil. But I can't beat him to death. I hug him.

"Why, Tohma?! Why me?" I was sobbing.

He hugs me back.

"Please tell me why…"

But he remains silent.

"I was wrong…I was…" but he cannot say a word more.

He kisses me fiercely. I can't resist. I want to, but I can't. I need his closeness, I need his touch. I…love him. He's my entity. He's my destruction.

He pushes me towards the bedroom. I obey.

He pushes me on the bed gently.

My hair spreads over the white pillow.

He undresses me.

He penetrates me.

He moans my name.

I moan his.

I say him I love him.

He cries on my shoulder.

I tell him to go.

He goes.

I can't stand him near me, not after sex.

Not after another cheap bedding.

I hate myself.

I'm confused.

I'm lost in this madness.

I wish I was dead.

--

AN: You know what to do if you want me to continue.


	4. Chapter 4

"_I can hear your voce in the distance, but I can't see you. Your face seems to be long forgotten. But I know it is you. I can feel your despise." _

This was the first line of Eiri's newest book. He was sitting in the bookstore and giving autographs to crazy fangirls he despised so much.

His own appearance seemed to be disgusting to him. He was feeling like a hypocrite, writing about beautiful love. In reality, he was unable to give Shuichi what the boy deserved. Tenderness. Appreciation.

"_And I know I'll wake up soon. Your voice won't be there anymore, to caress my ears and make me regret for everything I've done. I love you, but I've never been able to say that to you. Maybe I'm cursed to remain unhappy and misunderstood all my life."_

He decided to write about something different. He decided to kill all that sweetness he used to write about. He offered bitterness to his readers this time. And people worshiped him even more.

"_Should I say your name out loud? Should it stay secret?"_

Everybody recognized that it was the writer's confession. But they didn't find it pathetic.

"_Your name…Shuichi."_

Shuichi was enraged when he read his name in the book.

"This is something so cheap that I refuse to believe you are standing behind those words!" he yelled at the phone.

Yuki could swear that Shuichi would get into his apartment through the telephone, just like in cartoons.

"Calm down, Shuichi." he said coldly, "And don't be so full of yourself! There are many Shuichis in Japan and worldwide."

"But why my name of all the others?"

"It suites the story. It indeed reminded me of you-- you and your girlish behavior, my main character is just like you."

"Because it _is _me!" Shuichi snapped, "Will you ever leave me alone?"

'Never' he thought.

"I'm not harassing you, so please _you_ leave _me_ alone!" he yelled, frustrated. But his inner self was listening all of that in utter terror.

'No! Shuichi!' he was screaming, but could not be heard.

Shuichi rolled his eyes and hung up the phone. He was sitting there, motionless, staring at nothing.

He still couldn't believe that Eiri revealed their problems in the novel, just to sell it. He was enraged, disappointed, betrayed.

Something was wrong with him. His body was shaking uncontrollably, forming sobs. Something was badly wrong with him. He was crying again. The pressure of reality was just too much.

"_It's the sorrow that connects our two worlds. I suffer, but you are the one who I should have protected from suffering. I dragged you into my darkness instead. Will you ever forgive me?"_

Tears were falling down his face, on his jeans and the floor. Powerful sobs were sounding so destructing. Small explosions from his lungs.

Tears were falling on the pages of the book, named "Forgiveness", as he was reading, hours later.

"_I never believed in love."_

Shuichi was tearing apart. Hiro could do nothing about it. It was horrible, the way the book was killing the remains of sanity in Shuichi.

"_Do you believe in love?"_

'I don't anymore' he thought, closing the book, tossing it aside. His world was collapsing in front of his own eyes. Events that happened a while ago, were alive again, through that book, he could see the past.

"_This is our dark realm, Shuichi."_

He couldn't open his eyes anymore. The bed was his only stationary.

Helpless auburn haired youth was sitting in the living room, thinking about possible solutions.

But he had his own problems.

It was terrifying seeing Shuichi in that state. It was terrifying how Tohma was persistent.

He was coming, and coming, and coming…He was patient. But Hiro couldn't trust him.

His concern should be Shuichi. He should try to help him. But how?

--

He was feeling bitterness in every word of his novel. He was disgusted. He was destroyed.

Hidden behind his disorder, behind his alcoholism, behind his madness…he just wasn't ready to give love. And he was receiving it without thinking. He was denying it whenever he wanted. He was killing his little lover.

Gentle Shuichi, light like a feather. His beautiful lover, fragile and strong at the same time.

"_I wish I could fix my mistakes."_

"How can he be such a liar?!" Shuichi was whispering into the pillow.

"Take it easy, Shu…" Hiro was tapping his back, "Calm down…" he bit his lower lip.

How could he tell Shuichi to calm down now, when nothing was alright? How could he make him forget, when Eiri was his obsession for so long?

He was asking too much from the singer.

Shuichi was a real drama queen.

Eiri was the coldest person in the universe.

The two opposites that love each other, but it was not meant to be.

"_Sometimes people don't see how much they're loved."_

Eiri grabbed his coat, put it on, ready to go to Shuichi and beg for forgiveness if he had to.

"_I am a coward. I am a lame excuse for a man. You don't deserve to suffer."_

But something stopped him, some invisible force. He collapsed on his knees, bending over his crossed arms. He just couldn't.

--

"Eiri?" Tohma was standing in front of him, "What is going on?"

"I just…can't go there…"the writer whispered. There was blood around his mouth and all over his shirt and coat.

"You puked blood again." said Tohma. This was happening to Eiri every time when he was very upset.

"I will call ambulance." he reached for his cell phone, "Just hold on."

--

But this time Tohma knew better than to put the guilt on Shuichi for Eiri's puking. He knew better because he finally understood what love was.

His best friend was lying in bed, sleeping peacefully. Or it seemed he was sleeping peacefully.

Outside, it was cold. The sky was clear, it was twilight. The outside world had its terrifying beauty.

Tohma was recalling again.

**Flashback**

It was cold outside. Hiro did it again. He kissed the cold tip of his nose. The chill was gone for a moment. He was feeling loved. This little sign of affection warmed his heart. And they carried on walking, hand in hand. It was winter, but it was warm and beautiful.

Then he released the guitarist's hand as soon as they reached the area full of people. Like he was ashamed of the boy.

Hiro frowned, but said nothing.

This was their routine.

**End flashback**

Tohma left the hospital room and went for one of his walks through the abandoned park.

He reached for his phone and dialed Hiro's number.

"We need to talk." he said, as his breath became visible in the air. It was too cold for his taste. "Eiri is in hospital."

"I'll be down in ten minutes." he heard Hiro's cold and broken voice on the other side, "Be there to pick me up."

--

TBC…under the condition I mentioned in previous chapters.

I hope you liked it so far.


	5. Chapter 5

"_Isn't the emptiness the worst thing in the universe? I'm not your first choice, not ever. You promise me the whole world, yet you never keep your promises. And I don't need the world. I need you, I need your love and I need your attention. Am I asking much?"_ said one of the characters in Yuki's book. Like Hiro and Shuichi gathered their problems and the character from the book made a paragraph from them.

It was strange how Yuki managed to enter their brains so easily. Everything the book said was true. What was his secret? What was the cure for the empty heart?

Shuichi was still in depression. His voice stopped being what it used to be. His friends stopped being his friends. They stopped calling when they saw him in the bad condition. They left him as soon as they saw the party was over, they couldn't use him anymore.

The cheerful boy died all of a sudden. His place took another one-cold and distant man, dead from inside.

It wasn't just Eiri that was guilty for Shuichi's condition. It was the realization that life was never fair and the system would never let you be happy.

"_My heart is still empty. I am warm from the outside, but from the inside, I'm just another corpse that needs to be buried."_

It was a deep thought and Shuichi admired it. It was his motto. It was his destiny. Like Yuki described him.

Actually, Yuki described himself in that sentence. Was it possible that he turned his little lover into himself?

"_I'm spreading misery and despair. I feel so desolate. I feel so guilty. Yet there is no one who is willing to forgive. I am the man that shooed away all that happiness and love one man could have. Others would kill to be loved just like I was loved. But that was long time ago. I have only memories now, of the times my lover and I used to be happy. I killed one perfect dream."_

"Do you regret it?" Shuichi whispered. He could hear Hiro saying something to him, yet he didn't know what. He was sitting beside the window, watching millions of snowflakes committing suicide. They were falling from the sky lightly, just to die on the cold ground. It was cruel and it was ironic and Shuichi despised winter for it.

He continued reading Yuki's novel.

--

"I'm going for a walk!" Hiro shouted and then grabbed his coat and ran out of the building. His heart was beating wildly, every beat matching his footsteps.

He reached to the black Mercedes that was parked outside, in front of the entrance. He sat in there without a word, as Tohma started the engine.

"He puked blood again." Tohma finally said. "He was about to go to Shuichi, but pressure and excitement were too much for him."

"Aren't you gonna blame Shuichi for that now?" asked the guitarist bitterly.

Tohma shook his head.

"Maybe it's hard for you to believe, but I have changed."

"People like you never change." sighed Hiro. "What am I supposed to do now? To tell Shuichi that that bastard puked again because of him? And then Shuichi would be worried sick for him. Then he would run straight to him, forgive him, just to start all over again. And in the end, he would come to me crying, asking me to bed him. Begging me to forget my wants and needs just to make him happy." he was infuriated.

"Tell me, Tohma, is it worth it? Why can't you just let it be?"

"He wanted to talk to you."

'I don't want to talk to him." Hiro crossed his arms. "I don't care anymore."

Tohma stopped the car on the parking lot behind the hospital.

He turned to the guitarist.

"Do you care for the band?"

Hiro looked at him seriously.

"I'm not sure anymore." he said quietly.

Tohma was taking in the picture of sad and broken man.

"Did you sleep with him?" Tohma asked, "Did you sleep with the brat?"

"It's none of your business." Hiro said. "It doesn't matter if it's not out of love." his mouth was faster than his brain.

Tohma nodded slightly. "So you did." he sighed.

They were sitting there in silence, in the warm and expensive car.

Hiro was examining his nails and Tohma was staring through the windshield at nothing.

"We're so screwed up." Hiro finally said. His voice was still quiet.

"Yes, we are."

"Why don't you give up already?"

"You know why."

"Stop with that shit already!"

"I divorced from Mika for you."

"For Yuki. He's single now."

"It doesn't matter. I don't want him."

Silence.

"Tohma?"

"Yes?"

"W--why did you cry then, on my shoulder?"

--

"_Sometimes sacrifices are too big. I never sacrificed. But he did. And I should have been grateful then. I was a fool. Is it late to say sorry? Is it late to be forgiven?"_

Shuichi closed the book.

"Bullshit. Everything you say." he muttered. He sighed heavily and then headed to the kitchen to eat something.

His days were so monotonous.

--

Tohma was unable at the moment. Hiro was waiting patiently, but the answer never came.

The auburn haired youth just shook his head.

"Just forget it. Let's go there and see that son of a bitch." he opened the door and stepped into the winter.

--

Yuki opened his eyes. His head was killing him. Pain was something he got used to during the years. But he never got used to the headache.

It was unbearable, annoying, constantly present. Like Shuichi. But he loved the brat, somehow.

He could hear coughs and then somebody said:

"At last, you're awake."

And then he turned and saw Hiro.

"At last, you came." he said coldly.

He could see hatred in the boy's eyes. But he was unwilling to admit to himself that he was feeling shivers of fear down his spine.

"So tell me what you've got." Hiro's voice was of the same coldness. He sat beside the bed. He raised his eyebrows. "Well?"

--

AN: So, how was it? I hope you liked it!

If you want me to continue, you know what to do (God, I hate repeating that, but what can I do?)


	6. Chapter 6

"_How could it be, to feel so empty? Is it too late to stop pitying myself?"_

"And that's all I had to say." finished Eiri. "You decide what you'll do with it." he turned his back to Hiro.

The young man was just sitting there, staring at Eiri's back. Then he nodded. And he stood up in the end.

"I'll do as you say, Yuki." he said and left the room.

Tohma was waiting outside in the corridor.

"What did he say?" he asked Hiro as soon as he exited the room.

"It's between Yuki and I." he sad coldly. "Now would you please take me home?"

The whole ride was silent. Tohma didn't want to bother Hiro with any questions, figuring that his love wasn't in mood to answer them. Hiro was just sitting in the passenger seat, staring through the window at the snow covered trees they were passing by.

He sighed deeply. Tohma wondered what that was about. But he decided to drop the subject, no matter what it was. It was Hiro's business and he didn't want to piss him off. He wanted to be friends with him if nothing else.

"Look…"Tohma started as they stopped in front of Hiro's building, "We need to cheer Shuichi up in order for him to sing. I don't want any wasted contracts. Bad Luck is way too good to be wasted."

Hiro looked at him.

"You're probably right." he said quietly, "I'll do my best to make him capable of singing decently."

Tohma smiled.

"Ok then, I presume I can trust you. I hope you'll solve the problem."

The fact is that he wanted to help as well. That way, he could be close to Hiro. But he knew very well that Hiro would disagree. So it was better that way.

Hiro smiled sadly. "Yep." he said and opened the door. He was about to get out when he turned, giving the blonde the last glance before he said:

"It happened only once, Tohma." And with that, he left the vehicle.

Tohma was sitting there, stunned. Then he started the engine and left.

--

Hiro was climbing up the stairs, surprised by his behavior.

Why did he felt a sudden urge to justify to Tohma? He could sleep with whoever he wanted, it was none of Seguchi's concern. But then again, there was something that wanted to be with him again, to trust him and embrace him. To love him again.

And there were those words Yuki told him. They were simple, short, but full of meaning.

**Flashback**

"Don't tell Shuichi I'm here. Don't tell him I'll visit him soon. Just to let you know I'll be there, so don't consume sex." the last words were said with bitterness.

Then Yuki showed Hiro to bend down. He was looking straight into guitarist's eyes, with that conspiracy glare.

"Don't tell him how much I love him. You'll never understand and he will never believe." He whispered, closing his eyes. "And that's all I had to say." he finished "You decide what you'll do with it." he turned his back to Hiro.

**End flashback**

But why did Eiri decide to tell those random things to him? Was there any hidden purpose? Why would he admit his love for Shuichi to him, not to the one he loved?

"_I killed you just to look at my own ending. Where is it? Will you wait me there, somewhere, in afterlife? Don't…don't leave alone…"_

"Where have you been?" asked Shuichi, who was sitting in front of TV.

"I've been outside, to chill out a bit."

"_I'm so afraid of loneliness."_

"There's one awesome movie. It'll start in a minute."

Hiroshi frowned at his friend. Sudden flood of anger rushed up his body. He pulled the pink haired youth by his shirt, their faces inches apart.

"Oh, no, Mr. Shindou!" he hissed, "It's high time for you to get your lazy ass off of the floor and start practicing!" he let him go, heading in the bedroom for his guitar. "And it has to be awesome!"

Shuichi blinked, a little startled.

--

"_You're my only one. No matter how girlish it sounds, but yes, you are."_

The day in the studio was pretty much good. Shuichi was afraid to even look at Hiro. The last night's event was still on his mind.

He was wondering where it had come from, all of a sudden. But it didn't matter, because Hiro was right.

It was time for him to escape the sorrow and monotony. If only he could.

--

--

--

"You'll be released tomorrow." Tohma was smiling warmly at his friend. "Are you ready to carry on your life?"

Eiri was silent. He didn't know. He knew nothing.

No plans, no wishes, no hopes. Nothing at all in this world.

His life has stopped all of a sudden. Like he was standing in one spot, unable to move neither forward nor backward.

Everything froze. Everything disappeared. It was all blank. It was all sad.

He smiled at the thought of his younger brother. Tatsuha was happy with Ryuichi. Yes, Ryuichi was much older, but he was childish. And the most important thing was that there was love between them. Well, at least as much as both of them were capable to give to each other. And that was enough for Eiri to smile a little. To feel a little happy .

Tohma was the one to hook them up. It's been a year since then.

At least somebody was happy.

"I don't know" he replied. Tohma sat beside him.

"I never knew it was that serious."

"He…I've lost him because of my chaotic mind. I'll…never forgive myself." he fell back on the pillows. His beautiful blond hair spread all over the white. "God, I'm pathetic!" he closed his tired eyes.

Tohma took that as the sign it was time to go. He caressed Eiri's cheek and then stood up to leave him in peace.

How could Shuichi ever come back to him after all of those craps?

Was it possible?

To step on his own pride again and stand Eiri's stupidities?

Maybe the kid was smarter than he thought.

But it was Eiri's happiness that came first to his list.

And he was hoping that Shuichi was a little stupider. He was hoping that the kid would come back to the writer.

--

TBC…?


	7. Chapter 7

AN: I hope you'll enjoy my newest song that I borrowed to Shuichi. :)

Please read and **review** afterwards! puppy eyes

--

Something snapped inside his chest. He was recalling his mistakes. He was calling them 'sins' rather that mistakes.

**Flashback**

"You're going out again?"

"Yes."

"When are you going to go out with me?"

"As soon as I find some time, Shuichi."

"And you've got time for whoever it is, just not me! And don't tell me you're going out to meet the editor!"

Eiri snorted and rolled his eyes.

"And what are you going to do about it?" he asked.

"Oh, you'll see!" the singer was yelling, his face was becoming crimson. "You'll see!"

But he never did anything.

--

Another incident about going out.

"What are you gonna do about it? To forbid me?"

"Yes."

Eiri laughed. "Don't be stupid." he said.

This time Shuichi ran to K and spent there four days crying, crying, crying…

"Shuichi's just a child. How old is he? Twenty?"

"Twenty-one, actually." Eiri corrected him.

"He's been crying because of you for days. If he doesn't stop crying, he'll make me kill him. So please take him home." said K over the phone.

Of course K was worried for Shu and what he actually wanted to say was: "Take him home and don't be such an ass again".

But Eiri never cared to read between the lines everything K had ever said.

**End flashback**

And the pain was real. Something really snapped inside him. Later he found out it was heart. It was for real. It shattered. It hurt.

He was packing his things and was almost ready to leave the hospital. But his soul refused to meet the real world again.

--

Shuichi was now twenty-six. He's been with Eiri since he was nineteen. Sven years of love, suffer, pain and rare moments of welfare and happiness.

Shuichi was feeling so old despite he was still very young.

He was determined to forget his lover.

It was still winter. He was singing like a bird. In the studio, he gave an illusion of a spring. His voice was making people touch the stars.

But from the inside, Shuichi knew winter would never leave. He had to pretend. It was too late to be forgotten. And that was the story of how one nasty scar was born.

_All the scars inside me_

_Are burning like living hell._

_Everything I've ever done_

_Will be covered by veil._

_When the soul dies,_

_There's only a husk._

_An automatic body_

_That is covered with dust._

_Because I don't use it_

_I don't want it._

_I don't need it._

He was singing and singing and Sakano was recording and was very surprised by the sudden power in Shuichi's voice. He gave the soul to the words. He gave them meaning.

And Hiro's guitar was crying melodically, melting perfectly with Shuichi's voice.

_My life can't stop,_

_But I don't feel alive._

_Maybe my purpose is to suffer._

_To suffer until I die._

_I'm afraid of the world around me_

_When there's no one who can save me._

_When you lose your treasure,_

_You'll never again feel pleasure._

_And my treasure was you._

_**E**__verything, you are to me,_

_**I**__nside my being._

_**R**__an away from me forever._

_**I**__n the end, I ran away from you. _

_**Y**__ou ran away._

_**U**__nderstand me now._

_**K**__nowing you never loved me_

_**I **__had to do it. To you, I was just one in the row. _

_When the soul dies,_

_There's only a husk._

_An automatic body_

_That is covered with dust._

Everybody was amazed by the song. It was obvious that Shuichi could never forget. He just wasn't that kind of person. He dedicated himself to Eiri, even after the breakup.

The only thing he really knew, aside of singing, was to love, to give himself completely to ones he loved. And Yuki was more than love to him.

Shuichi was well known for exaggerating. The thing he was feeling for Eiri, was pure adoration. Blind adoration.

And he wasn't even aware of the fact that he wrote the acrostic. He was obsessed, not even knowing that.

Some people would laugh at his obliviousness, but that would be cruel. He was just a fragile soul in search of salvation.

Tohma smiled when he heard the song. The melody was beautiful, Shuichi's voice better than ever.

"What did you do to him? I'm impressed." he asked Hiro in his office.

Hiro was sitting opposite him, scratching his head.

"Well, not much. I just grabbed him and shook him and yelled at him."

"Like a shock-therapy. I'd love if that could wake other lazy bugs that work here." Tohma chuckled, "But this miracle rarely happens. We were lucky." he winked at the musician.

'If only it could work on you' he thought.

"Yeah." Hiro said nervously, avoiding Tohma's look. "Have you read the lyrics?"

"No. Should I?"

Hiro smiled. He took the paper from the pocket. "Read the last strophes."

Tohma took the paper, not sure why he should read.

Then, when he read it, a smile crossed his face.

"Do you think what I think?"

Hiro nodded. "We must never let Yuki read this."

"What?!" he was observing Hiro with surprise. He never expected that.

"Yuki must never read this. Because he already knows what he represents to Shuichi. It is time for him to show Shuichi his love."

"He wrote a novel." Tohma pointed out. "He wrote a novel about them."

"That isn't enough. Those are just cheap words. He lives from writing such fluffy things!" Hiro lost his temper all of a sudden. "Deeds, Tohma! Not words! I won't let him hurt Shuichi again."

With that, he stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind.

Tohma was still sitting in his chair, blinking several times in surprise. It was strange how Hiro practically begged him to read between the lines, that he was saying about the two of them, but he shrugged the feeling. He refused to believe. Then he turned his gaze back to the paper in his hand. He read the acrostic again.

"Hmm…Nice." he smiled. "Eiri definitely must see this!"

--

"It's time to leave." said the blonde to the other blonde, smiling.

"Yes."

"Where would you like to go?"

"Home." Eiri replied.

"Why don't we drink coffee first?" offered Tohma. "I have to show you something."

Eiri didn't like how it sounded. And that weird smirk on Tohma's face was worrying him.

--

_**E**__verything, you are to me,_

_**I**__nside my being._

_**R**__an away from me forever._

_**I**__n the end, I ran away from you. _

_**Y**__ou ran away._

_**U**__nderstand me now._

_**K**__nowing you never loved me_

_**I **__had to do it. To you, I was just one in the row. _

He read the lyrics in one small café, far away from downtown. It was there for celebrities like him, offering full discretion. Tohma was sitting opposite him, observing his face expressions.

When he finished reading, Tohma asked, all excited:

"So, what you think? You still have a chance!"

"This is just coincidence." the novelist replied flatly.

Tohma laughed.

"You really never want to accept the truth."

"The truth is I screwed up. The truth is it would be better for him to be without me. The truth is I am tired and I want to go home. Now if you'll excuse me." he stood up, not finishing his coffee.

Before Tohma could react, Eiri stopped one cab and sped off the road.

He shook his head, taking a sip of his own coffee. He was preparing to go into cold again.

Maybe Hiro was right. He didn't even want to think what Hiro would tell him if he found out that he gave the lyrics to Eiri. He screwed up. And his intentions were good this time.

It was the irony of life, when you want the best to others, you end up miserable. Luck never looks at you.

"Fuck" he muttered.

--

TBC…?


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Please R&R!

--

"_Somebody once told me something about love. And I will never forget that."_

The cab stopped in front of Nakano's building. One tall blonde man stepped out of the car.

Looking at the building for a few seconds, he sighed. And then, he came in.

"_Just tell me if I'm right, Shuichi."_

He had no thoughts to think, he stopped breathing. The moment was hard, he felt like the piano fell on his head.

Heavy clouds and cold weather, and no warmth to protect him from them.

"_But the hope never dies."_

And there he was, in front of the door behind which was his beloved, the one that wrote the acrostic for him.

His hand reached for the doorbell, but it stopped on its way. It was hard, after all those months, to see him again, to talk to him again.

He sighed again, trying not to remember happy moments they went through, although there weren't many of them.

He was trying not to think at all.

His hand was shaking.

But in the end, his fist found the door.

--

He closed the book, hearing the soft knock on the door.

He placed the book on the coffee table and headed to the door.

And then he saw that face. The face that remained unforgotten, the same face that was appearing in his dreams, the face he had seen in the park that particular night seven years ago.

And then those lips, that once told him to get lost, that told him he was just nuisance, moved.

He couldn't look in the eyes of the person before him.

It wasn't his Eiri anymore.

This man looked so pained and sad.

His Eiri died long time ago.

"Long time no see." said the novelist sadly, nodding his head.

"Yup." was all Shuichi managed to say. He was trying to calm his heart, that was practically jumping inside his chest as if it wanted to abandon his body.

He was doing his best to stop loving that tormentor, but in the end, he ended up cursing himself for that weakness that remained.

His heart was still in Eiri's mercy.

He stepped aside to let Eiri in, wondering what the man wanted.

He pointed him to the couch.

As the blonde was about to sit, he noticed his novel on the coffee table, but he just glanced at the book.

He didn't know where to look. To look at Shuichi, it would be too painful and strange.

To look over the apartment would be impolite.

To stare at his feet was out of the question. He was defeated, but nobody needed to know.

"So I see, you're reading my newest book" he said.

"Yup." was Shuichi's response. His thoughts were random. Excitement was mixed with the sadness, bitterness, the feeling of being left. But he was the one who had left Eiri. But it didn't make any difference now.

"Why did you come?" Shuichi managed to say, his legs were shaking as if he was the girl standing in front of her crush.

The feeling was well known, he was feeling it every time he saw his novelist. It was the most beautiful feeling in the universe. It was sweet anticipation.

But now, it was mixed with gall.

"I came here to talk to you about this" Yuki pulled the paper out of his pocket, waving it in his hand.

Shuichi sat on the coffee table, before Eiri.

"What is that?"

The novelist handed him the paper.

He was surprised how he could put up with this situation, although he was sad and depressed. The moment he saw Shuichi, he just wanted to cry, to scream and hold him. He wanted to do something crazy in order to prove his love to the singer, but it was something hard to do. It was so damn hard to open up the heart and beg for forgiveness.

There had been too many mistakes.

Shuichi gaped as he read the acrostic he wrote.

"I didn't even know I wrote this." he admitted, shaking his head.

Just like Eiri told Tohma. It was just one coincidence. Or the singer was lying?

"I apologize if this offended you." the singer said bitterly. "I'll tell the superiors not to release it in public."

"No, I don't mind it. The song is beautiful." said Eiri. "But it is too late for me to state something like that, isn't it?" he lowered his gaze. "So." he collected his courage to look at Shuichi, "Do you like my book?"

Shuichi quickly glanced at the book that was lying beside him.

He lifted it, flipping through pages.

He sighed. It was too much to bear.

"I never knew what love was, Yuki." he said, "But now, I definitely do know. I especially know one feeling."

"Which is…?"

"When you dedicate yourself to somebody, when you do your best to make that person happy, you never receive that back. That is unrequited love." he looked at Eiri.

The singer gulped, trying to hold back the incoming tears. He was still that fragile brat he used to be when he was nineteen. Some people never change. "And the want to hurt the person you love just to show him how much you suffered. It is somehow sadistic, you know. But I never listened to my desires." he tossed the book where it was before he lifted it "I had chosen you over me. That is something that should be in this book, which you wrote about us. But somehow, I don't see that part coming."

Yuki was listening carefully.

"Unrequited, you say?"

"Unrequited." Shuichi said. "And would you please be that kind to leave?" but his being was begging him to stay. Yet he couldn't handle his closeness.

"You want to say that just because I never said a word about loving you to you, that it meant I never loved you?"

"Not just words and you know that. Deeds. But that's far behind us. Let's just forget."

"Are you…." Eiri started, not sure in his actions and reactions anymore, "Are you ready to move on?" the novelist's heart found its way to his throat, beating like crazy. Something hot hit his eyes.

"I already moved on." Shuichi lied. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn't move on. But this time he knew better. Eiri didn't need to know the truth.

"Oh, I see, you moved on, by being here." Eiri suddenly became angry, bitterness in his voice, "Do you sleep with him?" he barely asked, his lips firmly pressed one against another, his jaw shaking as if he was ready to cry.

Shuichi couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Does it bother you…much?" he asked teasingly. This round he would win. He wouldn't let it slip.

'Yes, it bothers me.'

But he didn't have balls to say that out loud.

Something was wrong in the way Shuichi was standing there, insolently.

He couldn't stand those eyes, those lips, he couldn't stand to look at them, unable to touch them, to kiss them.

Something inside snapped, something that was telling him that the crying was right.

But he didn't cry. He pushed Shuichi on the couch, pinning his hands above his head with his own hands, attacking his teasing lips.

Shuichi gasped, unready for the impact.

"It bothers me." the novelist whispered, wanting to break the singer, to make him his again.

Shuichi wanted to melt into kisses and touches desperately, but his pride ordered him to struggle.

And he was struggling wildly, yet he couldn't push the man off of him. Part of him wanted to be with Eiri.

But that was wrong.

"Stop…" he managed to say, "I don't want this…" he was shaking his head.

Eiri stopped, looking at him from above.

"What is it that you want?"

"What is it that _you_ want?" asked Shuichi.

Eiri was just staring at those eyes, sad and broken.

He realized he had nothing to break. Shuichi was already broken.

He didn't know what he wanted. To be with Shuichi forever or just to apologize. Neither was enough.

He released the singer, standing up.

"I…"

"You don't know." Shuichi finished instead of him. "I can't live like this. " the singer said.

The tension grew bigger as the two men stared at each other, with fire in their eyes that seemed to be hatred.

But it was love.

"Shuichi…" Eiri shook his messy blonde head and turned to the door, ready to leave.

"That's it!" he could hear Shuichi yelling behind him. This time, he was exiting with his head lowered, "You just run away!" he closed the door behind. "And take this damn book with you!" Shuichi threw it at the door. The book fell on the floor, some pages were flying in all directions.

Eiri just carried on, flipping his phone open to call the cab.

Shuichi collapsed on the couch, with his face in his hands.

--

"_Love is 99 percent of sorrow and pain and 1 percent of happiness and joy."_

The wind was blowing outside the NG building. It was making the mess of his, usually tidy, blonde hair.

The guy approached him and the butterflies in his body started to fly at the sight of another man.

Two pairs of eyes were locked on each other.

"I gave him the lyrics." he said calmly, yet he was afraid of Hiro's reaction.

Hiro just nodded, sitting into Tohma's car.

It was silent during the ride. But as they were approaching Hiro's place, Tohma asked:

"Are you mad?"

"Me?" Hiro looked at him, "No, not at all."

"Seriously?" Tohma glanced at him, smelling the trap.

"Seriously. I'm just infuriated! Now stop the car before I punch your fuckin' faggot face!"

Tohma obeyed, cursing himself for choosing to tell the truth.

He got out and ran after Hiro, grabbing his arm, making him look at him.

"I had my reasons."

"I had mine!" Hiro yelled, yanking his arm, "And this disrespect of my decision…" he was looking at Tohma, "You never respected me…" he turned and left.

And again, there he was, left alone in the coldness.

Perhaps it was destiny for him to be like this. But hope never dies, and he remembered that quote from Yuki's novel.

But after this, is it worth hoping?

He screwed up.

--

Hiro infuriately entered the apartment, noticing the door was harder to open. Then he looked down and saw the book that was blocking the door.

'The novel'

He ducked and collected all pages, putting them back into the book. The air had smell of disaster and that was scaring him.

In the living room, he saw Shuichi, with his face in his hands.

"He was here." he stated. Shuichi said nothing, as if Hiro wasn't even there.

But he wasn't crying. He was just sitting like that, motionless.

'I'm gonna kill Tohma for this!' he placed the book on the shelf and stormed off the apartment.

--

TBC…?


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: I want to thank my wonderful reviewers. **

**Special thanks to Acherona, who is the reader that analyses this story the most and inspires me to write more realistic. **

**I'd like to thank to Fluffyfangirl89, sun's and stars, The Girl Obsessed With Yaoi, Kiramita Kitsune, and others that I forgot to mention. You're my greatest support and I have no words to describe how much your comments mean to me.**

**Warning: A little bit of political themes. Don't pay too much attention to that, I use it for comparison.**

--

Disrespect, underestimation, and all of his other 'sins' were haunting him.

After the encounter with Shuichi, he took one bottle of vodka and drank it in one go, on the empty stomach.

He knew very well what Tohma would say if he saw him in that state. He would say that he was giving up too easily and that drinking after every failure never did any good. And he knew that his best friend and brother-in-law would be absolutely right.

But it was too easy to escape this horrid reality by drinking one bottle of that delicious venom. It was easier to escape than to fight. Just a couple of hours of precious numbness and oblivion. Those were only things to keep him in life-numbness and oblivion.

He'd think about everything the next day. Or he'd get drunk again.

What was the purpose of it all, when God gives you something so valuable and you shoo it away carelessly just because you're one dumb ass that has PTSD? Eiri didn't have a clue.

He understood Shuichi. How could the guy give in after all what had happened between them? Deep inside, he was admiring him because it was obvious that the singer had had a hard on then, when Eiri had jumped him, yet he had done nothing about it. He had denied the writer, even lying he hadn't wanted sex.

Shuichi had gone to hell back there, and Eiri was feeling guilty. Knowing that he was the cause of Shuichi's sorrow, his apathy, he knew that he must never see the, once hyper and bouncy singer, again. It would be easier for both of them. Shuichi would sing and he would become even greater superstar than he already was. And Eiri would drink until his liver stops functioning at last.

It would be the best outcome for both of them, for who needs the grumpy sex symbol that has no purpose in this world. His novels are worthless piles of words.

That moment, suicide looked like a pretty good option. But it would be too pathetic.

--

He collapsed on his comfortable bed, letting the tears stream down his face. It didn't matter anymore, his pride, his grumpiness, nothing at all. Because he was no one.

But if he loved Shuichi, he mustn't have allowed himself to give up that easily. The wounds haven't healed yet and he knew that the singer was now very upset, and he didn't want to cause him more pain.

On the other hand, if he loved Shuichi, it would be better if he fought more. And he needed help from reluctant Nakano, who disliked him very much.

But if he recognized the true love, he'd have to fight for it, to step on his pride and his harsh principles.

There wasn't space for self-pitying, depression, vodka or any other alcoholic drink.

Deeds were the ones that would prove his love.

So he stopped crying and drifted off somewhere far away in his head, silently promising himself that after he goes through the hangover, he'd do something about 'Shu' situation.

He couldn't bear loneliness anymore.

The fact that he hadn't found another person(s) instead of Shuichi, that he had been all alone since then, was indicating that the beautiful and eccentric Uesugi (Yuki) Eiri has matured at the age of 29.

--

His hair was spread all over the black satin pillow, as he moaned in pleasure. His eyes were firmly shut, his face muscles in some kind of spasm. His breathing was uneven and fast. The sweat drops were streaming down his face and body, as he was gripping the hair of one head tightly. The head was between his legs, moving rhythmically back and forth, slowly, then fast, then slowly again.

The tongue was sliding up and down the smooth skin of his cock and he was enjoying every moment.

His thoughts were random and he couldn't gather them. His entire being was under alert. Gentle touches were gracing his flesh. The palms were tender, the fingers were teasing him and he was smiling slightly, regretting he gave in once again.

As he came into the mouth of another, he just bit his lower lip, not allowing the moan to escape his lungs.

The blonde head popped up, smiling as the skillful tongue licked his sperm stained lips.

"Are you still infuriated?" his blonde asked, smiling lovingly.

"Yes." he whispered, "But I'm too tired to beat you up." Hiro said.

Tohma chuckled, kissing the red head softly.

"I apologize for what I've done. But I thought that the lyrics would finally open Eiri's eyes."

"Eiri came there and he hurt Shu again. This time, Shuichi didn't have tears to cry, Tohma. He's in bad condition."

"I know. I screwed up." admitted the blonde, "Why are they sentenced on sorrow?"

"Because it was not meant to be." Hiro sighed, closing his tired eyes.

After the short silence, Tohma spoke.

"What about us?"

"There is no 'us' " he said and fell asleep in Tohma's embrace.

The owner of NG just stared at nothing particular, drowning in his own apathy, knowing that the one blowjob would change nothing.

"I'd been ashamed of me, not you." he whispered.

He remained sleepless that night.

--

**Flashback**

Hiro infuriately stormed into Tohma's apartment, without knocking. The blonde was stunned, yet he was expecting something like that.

He let Hiro punch him, and then he was yelling some random shit about Shuichi and Tohma couldn't quite understand what Hiro was saying.

His thoughts were so confusing, in the burning rage, he was just punching and yelling.

He set all his frustrations free, on poor Tohma that was receiving punch after punch.

In the end, Hiro began to stutter, completely exhausted, desperate. He was fed up with Shuichi's problems, overwhelmed by his own personal and professional problems.

He fell to his knees like a drama queen of the century and Tohma was standing there, looking at him from above with those big, confused eyes.

The next thing he remembered was that they were making out on the floor. In the end, they crawled to the bed, undressing each other in a big rush.

Then the guitarist realized that the best sexual interactions were happening after great fights.

But he wasn't ready to forgive Tohma. He would become the lowest of the low if he forgave.

**End flashback**

--

There were worse things. His situation was nothing when you compare it to the problems of the others.

For example, there was war nine years ago in one country named Yugoslavia, in the south-eastern Europe. It had been bombed by seventeen other countries and he had been watching the breaking news.

Thousands of terrified children, women and men. Young men that had to go and die for their fatherland.

Mothers that remained without their sons. Wives that remained without their husbands. Daughters that remained without their fathers. Girls that remained without their brothers. Etcetera.

He could see those faces, and the three year old girl that had been killed by a bomb on the potty during one of the air attacks.

And that war, fortunately, had ceased. But the scars in the souls of the people never faded.

Many of them were having PTSD now, just like him. Many of them remained without a single thing in this crazy world.

But many other wars occurred in other countries years after.

And people that were fighting against the cancer and were losing the battle.

All of that was worse than his problem.

It was one stupid love problem, who doesn't have that kind of problem?

But somehow, he couldn't get over it. Not in a million years.

For him, it looked like he survived all those wars, all those cancers and alcoholic fathers.

Unnecessary exaggeration, pathetic like Mexican soaps that were poisoning brains of the bored housewives all over the world.

Eiri fell on the very bottom.

He was living day after day, unable to move from his comfy bed with silky sheets.

He was born to write about stupid emotions that he wasn't sure he himself possessed. That was his cursed destiny, to live like a parasite and there were greater goals he could dedicate to. If only he had a strength.

The phone rang the third day and he could hear the hoarse and sad voice on the other side.

It was the invitation for new negotiations between two torn lovers.

Shuichi finally collected courage to face with his demons.

--

The pink haired man hung up, trying to slow the paces of his tired young heart.

He had invited Eiri to some neutral territory, somewhere where he wouldn't be able to avoid answers and where Shuichi couldn't make drama.

That was the good step.

That was his moment, where he'd spit into his face whatever he had to say to him. And after that, he was hoping that it would be finally over, that he would cut the bonds that were keeping them connected through dreams, books, songs…

He desperately needed to move on. Otherwise, he would commit such stupidity. Maybe it would be suicide or another song. Maybe he wouldn't be able to sing again. For Eiri was his entity.

Shuichi was a guy, as we all know. But he just couldn't sleep with another person. Even after Eiri had shooed him away, he couldn't stop being 'faithful'.

It would be face to face now.

It would be their final encounter. And Shuichi was afraid. He was afraid that he wouldn't be able to leave it all behind, that he would make up with Eiri and be screwed up again.

Eiri was his death.

--

Hiro woke up in Tohma's embrace.

Tohma was looking at him affectionately, caressing his arm.

Hiro smiled.

Tohma smiled back.

"I want a date with you. One official date, with holding hands and kissing. I want to show you off and say: 'This is my boyfriend, Nakano Hiroshi' "

"Yeah, right." snorted Hiro, "As if that's gonna happen. Just like the previous times." he stood up from the bed, looking for his clothes. "Just like when you used to hold my hand in abandoned alleys and drop it when we reach the ones full of people."

He pulled on the pants, all of that in demonstrative manner, speaking bitterly. "I don't need that again. I'm not the one whose heart you could break over and over again."

Their love was like silent anathema.

"It's not like that, Hiro." Tohma stood up, blocking him the exit. "I won't let you go."

"I don't care. I'll quit playing in the band if I have to."

"No, you can't quit!"

"I can do whatever I want." Hiro shoved Tohma aside, rushing to the door.

--

TBC…?


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Ok, people, it took me too long to update this, due to some problems. But now I'm here and I hope you'll like this!

--

It had always bothered him-images of women in bikinis and some half naked men that Eiri had been keeping in his phone and as a desktop background. It had always been making questions in his head-had he been good looking enough for the writer or the writer had had some secret desires .Sure he had never had such great abs and all, and he couldn't have been compared to any of those women. And he had been jealous of those images.

Shuichi was recalling Eiri's promises that he'd delete them. But he had never wanted to delete them in front of the singer. So Shuichi had known that Eiri had never even thought about deleting them.

So he had decided to do the same. Yet it had never bothered Eiri. He had been all in that 'whatever' phase.

Shuichi could still feel that taste in his mouth, so bitter like gall. It was burning him like acid, the fact that Eiri might had been imagining those people while he had been sleeping with him, kissing him, touching him…

That was the smallest problem of all and the biggest was alcoholism.

He was recalling all of that while observing himself in the bathroom mirror, almost ready for their final encounter. Maybe it had never been true love. It had always been something unrequited.

Shuichi had always been somewhat old-fashioned, always believed that he'd be one and only to somebody and vice versa. Too bad the times had changed.

He sighed heavily, looking at his own reflection, at those sad eyes, bags under them. He looked pathetic and he couldn't help it.

Closing the door behind, once when he managed to look away from that pathetic sight, he grabbed Hiro's car keys and exited the apartment.

--

As he was driving, he was trying to remember as much reasons as he could, why he should leave Eiri to rot in past for good.

One of the reasons was that every time Shuichi had phoned him, or even when Eiri had phoned Shuichi, Eiri would have hung up very fast, with those words :"Yeah, yeah, bye." just like that, every time Shuichi had wanted to tell him something nice or to ask to be told something as a gesture of love. Even if it had been just one short phone call, containing:"I won't be home, dunno when I'm gonna come back, baka", when Eiri would have been on some trip around Japan to promote his newest book, or:"I'll leave recording for today immediately, Yuki! I will be there to make you lunch" the sentence Shuichi had been saying for years, Shuichi had wanted something nice to be added. No matter how short and stupid the conversation had been, he had always wanted something to be told out of love. And that simply had never happened, because Eiri would have cut him off after thirty seconds.

No matter how much he had been trying to please his lover, it remained unrequited.

"One sided love" Shuichi whispered, "I must stop this."

He parked the car in front of the one of the most sophisticated restaurants in town.

He was wearing black suit and black shirt, with first two buttons unbuttoned.

His pink hair wasn't messy anymore, and at the first sight, you couldn't say that he was a famous rock star. He was looking more like somebody untouchable, distant.

Although he was a guy, he was having many questions in his head, many reasons to think about, and many tears to cry. For that was what he was- philosophical man, the man of moral, the man of ethics.

He was such a rarity among the men. And Yuki had won a jackpot. Too shame he didn't have balls to keep it.

--

Before he entered, he was trying to collect his courage once more, to set the unbreakable walls, to forget his fear and that tormenting pain in his stomach.

He sighed and one of the staff opened the door before him.

The restaurant was something amazing, with beautiful white walls full of beautiful paintings, sandalwood tables and chairs and beautifully decorated ceiling. The restaurant had the beautiful view of the lake, which was brightly sparkling under the moonlight.

It was the favorite restaurant of Yuki Eiri. They had never gotten out together there, and it was inevitable to think that Yuki had considered that Shuichi hadn't been worthy of going _there_ with the novelist.

Another bitter memory that made Shuichi sigh for the thousandth time that evening.

It was eight o'clock sharp and he was there in time.

The waiter politely directed him to the table where the writer was waiting.

The entire sight seemed so intoxicating, and Shuichi found that he couldn't walk any further, or even breathe. Because he still loved the writer so much that he could do nothing else but to stare at him in awe.

The waiter coughed and Shuichi gave him the tip, weakly smiling.

He hated those formalities. He has always been afraid of giving too much or too little money to the staff at hotels and restaurants. He was all hyper, but he was one sophisticated man, now when he was famous and all. He had to keep the reputation.

This time, it turned out to be good; he gave enough money to the young man next to him.

The waiter smiled and thanked.

Then Shuichi clenched his fists and approached Yuki's table. The writer looked like his spirit was somewhere else, miles away.

"Ehm…" Shuichi coughed as he sat opposite the blonde beauty.

Eiri was all in black, and he looked a bit like a groom.

'We should go straight to the altar' thought Shuichi, and he laughed at that mentally. Such an irony with multiple levels.

Firs of all, he didn't know if the Japanese law was even allowing that kind of marriages.

The second irony was he was there to tell Eiri to stay away from him, to give to both of them chance to forget. They would hardly reach the altar at that point. And it was so bitter in his mouth while he was thinking about that. Because deep inside he wanted to be with Eiri. That was something he wanted the most. Yuki had always been the singer's obsession.

But he had to move on in order to keep his sanity.

Eiri looked at him with those golden narrow eyes, nodding his greeting.

Shuichi nodded back.

"I see, you already ordered." he said and the tone of his voice was something that surprised the writer very much.

The tone of Shuichi's voice was so formal. And the singer's face looked so distant and cold.

"It's lobster in special sauce. You should order it yourself. It's really tasty."

Too many words to be told in five seconds.

That indicated to nervousness. Shuichi raised an eyebrow in surprise, but he said nothing about that.

"I'll have just wine." he retorted coldly. God knew how hard was to pretend cold when his entire being wanted to jump into Eiri's arms and kiss him endlessly.

--

Eiri ate in silence and Shuichi decided to follow his example. He was taking small sips of his expensive wine, a few decades old.

Nether of them had courage to say a thing and their speeches were quite different.

It looked like reversed roles because Yuki wanted to say something like: "Please come back to me, I'll do whatever you want. I'm so lost without you." Well, not literary. If Eiri told something like that, it would probably kill him.

And Shuichi would say something like this: "Leave me alone for good, you nuisance." Once again, not literary. Because he could never be so rude.

They were staring at each other, unable to say a thing.

The only thing Shuichi could hear was his own heart, which was near to explode from anxiety.

"Look, Shuichi…" Eiri finally collected courage to speak.

The pink haired man was looking at him with his full attention, seeming completely hypnotized.

Eiri knew for the fact that everything he was doing, he was doing for love.

There were good memories as well, no matter their number was much lower than the number of the good ones.

For example, there was the moment when he had been at one party without Shuichi, and one pretty ugly guy was hitting on him. And yes, he had been in the mood to cheat on the singer, but when he had remembered those loving eyes and the feeling of love within himself, he gave up on it. Why ruining something that had always been perfect?

He had had the boyfriend to wait for him at home and he had had the boyfriend to wait for when he comes back from the tour.

So he had just excused himself politely to the man, telling openly that he had had the boyfriend and he had openly said that he loved him more than anything in the world. Just to let the guy know that he would have never cheated on somebody so perfect. He had described his feelings for Shuichi as adoration.

The guy had understood, but still, he wanted a shot. And Eiri had been so generous. He had given him his cell phone number, but he had never answered the guy's calls. Eventually, he had changed his number. The problem had been solved, and he hadn't found himself exaggerating when telling that he had adored the pink haired man.

That was a year ago. And he was still remembering.

"I have always been keeping my zipper closed." he said all of a sudden. It was something that neither him nor Shuichi expected. Those were not some big words that would go into history or something.

It was just the simplest way to say: "I've been faithful to you since always." Yet this was something original. This was something good. To say something like that in a sophisticated place like this. And he didn't care people around him were curiously looking at their table.

He swallowed and continued.

"I mean opened only for you." he corrected himself.

Shuichi slightly smiled.

"For one popular and talented novelist, you could have thought of something better to say."

Eiri didn't pay attention to that remark. He didn't care. The world around him stopped existing from the moment Shuichi sat at the table.

"What do you want me to say? It was my fault, I admit."

Shuichi sighed.

"I really don't know what to expect from you anymore. I guess we told each other all we had to tell."

It was the saddest fact. But Eiri wanted him back.

"All I'm asking is another chance."

"There had been too many of them. Do you remember that time you punched me?"

There was the moment of awkward silence.

How could he forget?

"I was drunk." he said in the end.

"All of our problems are based on your alcoholism." Shuichi said seriously.

"I know. But I want to change this time."

"You've been telling me that since the beginning. But the things had never changed." Shuichi's eyes were full of tears, yet he looked so graceful at that moment, ready to finish his mission successfully.

His dignity didn't matter anymore. All he could tell to himself was: "What dignity? Do I have that?"

It didn't matter. He had lost everything.

"Just listen to me…"

"I can't" Shuichi bowed his head, "Because we both know very well that the things will never change. I've been waiting for you to open up, to stop screwing up everything. I've been waiting for you from your trips. I've been there to help you get through your hangovers; I've been waiting for you to respect me, to realize that I can't take that much pressure anymore. But you never cared." Shuichi looked at him. It was not something original to be said, but it hurt like hell.

"Shu…" and the entire world was crashing before his terrified amber eyes. The words of denial were getting to his ears and he could have sworn that he's gonna get def. For every his bullshit turned into his greatest punishment.

"All I've been doing is to wait for you…endlessly, hopelessly…" Shuichi cut him off, "And all of that for nothing." he was trying to sound calm, but his voice was shaking and his lips curved. He was about to cry. But no, he wouldn't allow himself that luxury. No, not this time.

He stood up gracefully, looking at his former lover. "Don't contact me anymore and don't come to me." he whispered and turned to leave.

The blonde's eyes were still staring at the spot where his Shuichi just had been standing, unable to comprehend what has just happened.

And then, something hit him hard.

'Denied' was all he could think at the moment.

--

TBC…


	11. Chapter 11

AN: I'm in a really bad mood because my first year of college has started. You know, new faces, new methods of teaching; slow adjustment to the situation…All in all, one big mess! I was in a very bad mood, and some personal things occurred and I was so screwed up…So I decided to give you one new chapter, since you're all so good! That way, both of us will be happy somewhat.

And I want to thank Fluffyfangirl89 who was that kind to translate the song "Eternal" from Japanese.

I highly recommend you to listen to it!

Disclaimer for this chapter: I don't own Ishihara Shin'ichi's "Eternal" nor do I own "Ai no Kusabi".

--

'Do you remember….You always had time for all the others rather than for me? I can remember, I remember so brightly how you never wanted to leave your precious laptop alone. You always had to work, work, work…But that was reserved only for me. You could leave that all for everyone else. Even a lousy neighbor could drag you away from your precious 'work'. You could go to your neighbor's wedding and didn't even bother to bring me with you although I know those people as well. Not as long as you know them, but still…We were living in the same apartment, yet you never bothered, Eiri, that I remained at home and you got drunk there somewhere, with the pals you found by accident.

Who knows, maybe you even cheated on me.

You have always been keeping me left out of things.' Shuichi was thinking bitterly as he was driving home. It was not just alcoholism. It was something else. So many problems were in his way when it came to the one he loved the most.

He was feeling as if somebody had put salt to his fresh and bloody wound.

'You never respected me.'

His heart ached from bitter memories. It's a real wonder what a man can handle just because he loves somebody. No…love is inappropriate word. It was blind adoration of somebody's pretty face. And he had been forgiving and forgetting; tolerating all those bullshit because he had believed that eventually, everything would change. He knew he had been a fool thinking like that, then.

He had believed in those eyes and what they had been telling him for years. But now, it all seemed so worthless, all his efforts and all the actions of his kind heart.

He stopped in a hidden ally, somewhere where nobody could see and gossip about how the great Shindou Shuichi was crying like a baby. For he was really crying, out of his aching heart.

'Why didn't they invite me? They _knew_ me!' a voice in his head was hissing in pain.

'Nobody respected me as his boyfriend. Nobody cared that I belonged to him and he was mine…Nobody cared…'

And it was really strange how they had been chatting in corridors and all, and they had never said: "You can come with Eiri." Not a single word. And Eiri had been perfectly fine with it.

Eiri was monster.

Eiri was the only decent person that Shuichi had ever been with. Nobody else could be like him. Shuichi never wanted any other person.

Silent music was playing on the radio and he silenced himself to hear the words. It was one of his favorite ballads. Ishihara Shin'ichi's "Eternal", the ending theme of "Ai no Kusabi", Shuichi's favorite anime.

_Calling, the heaviness of the sighs on the endless nights  
I am in pain from missing you  
_

Shuichi was looking through the windshield, at nothing particular. Like he was hypnotized. He could only hear the words…

He remembered the movie of forbidden love. The lovers found their peace in death. But it didn't matter. The thing that mattered to Shuichi was the sacrifice they were taking one for another.

_I can no longer see anything  
don't let me go  
don't leave me  
Only you I believe in  
Aa, to warm my lips _

Iason was risking his reputation to be with Riki. He, with such pride, sunk that low to go in the slums to save his beloved. He didn't care for his job and place in society.

_Calling in the night  
My emotions make my heart pound_

And he sacrificed everything. He remained without both legs as he was saving him. And Riki could just walk away. He remained to die with Iason, instead. He sacrificed as well.

_Night after Night  
love is crying out  
_

Shuichi could see that picture in the end, dying together, in an embrace, looking at each other with love in their eyes. Together. Until the end.

_I can hear silent words in my dreams  
Shut out the bitter memories  
I can no longer see anything  
_

And that was all bullshit because this was real life and Iason and Riki were fictional characters. But Shuichi knew that somewhere in the world, there were couples that would die for each other. Not so theatrical like his favorite characters, but still…

Everybody seemed better than him and Eiri.

_Don't tell me, don't say anything at all  
Falling into the heat of the night  
Aa, It's all just a mirage_

he closed his eyes, shaking from endless crying over his destiny. Why, why, why…?!

_Silent all the night  
Someday I'll see that remote dream  
My feeling for you bares sighs  
To a faraway place_

He whished he could just disappear…

--

One phone call was enough for Hiro to have the crystal image of what would happen when Shuichi comes back.

Tohma had phoned him. He had told him how Yuki had come to him and he was all in the mess. He had become hysterical to the point of Tohma could no longer listen to his random babbling and strong sobs.

Yuki didn't even care to hide that he was disturbed and that was the bad sign.

He wondered where Shuichi was. He was worried.

He kept pacing through apartment. Something was wrong…

--

At three a.m. he was really worried. He didn't know what to do and on impulse he dialed Tohma.

"He still didn't come back…He…I…What if…" he was barely catching breath, scared.

"Just take it easy, Hiro…" Tohma was calming him down, "He's very stressed, give him time…"

"Time! It's 3 a.m. for fuck's sake!"

"Then why don't you just look for him? I'd come with you, but I mustn't leave Eiri alone, not at this point…Hey, what was that sound?"

There was something like slamming the door opened, and then slamming them closed. Hiro didn't even notice until Tohma commented.

He turned around to see the pink messy hair and the swollen face of his best friend.

"It's…Shuichi." he barely told Tohma, staring at the sight before him. He dropped the phone, running to his friend.

"Shu?"

Shuichi just looked at him with those glassy amethyst eyes.

Hiro didn't even have to ask. He already knew. It would be better if he didn't ask anything. He should leave it rot for good. He wanted the fastest recovery for Shu. But he also knew for the good chance for Shuichi never to recover.

It was the most likely outcome, unfortunately.

It was the greatest love he had ever witnessed. He took it as his personal tragedy, somewhat.

The singer just collapsed on the couch, looking and acting like a zombie.

'It's not totally over, is it? I just find it hard to believe…' Hiro frowned, still looking at Shuichi.

It was terrifying, the image of a broken man.

--

His eyes adjusted to the daylight. There was something disgusting in the fact that he actually woke up. He didn't feel like existing.

"Ah, you're awake." said the voice from the door. Then the man approached. He blinked in order to see the man better.

"I'd love if I just…died…" he muttered, getting out of warm bed. For some reason, he despised its warmth.

"Oh, Eiri, don't be so pathetic! Fight, you moron! If you really love him, be annoying, be stubborn, be….something! Haven't your novels ever taught you something?"

"They're just worthless trash…They're unreal." Eiri snorted, undressing. "I'm gonna take a shower, if you don't mind. I gotta go home…" he crawled to the bathroom.

'He's really bad…' thought Tohma, 'I wish I knew what to do.'

--

AN: There you go!

I've been checking on stats for this story and so many people had read it, yet most of them never reviewed. Why-well that's a question. It costs you nothing and nobody's gonna kill you if you review. Even if you don't like it, you can review. Whatever, I just want to know opinions of as many people as possible. Is it so hard to do?

I mean, there are people who review this and I really, really appreciate that! Thank you guys!

And the others-feel free to join the club. Please review!


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Since my spare time is slowly coming to its end, I decided to make a special gift to you in a form of an early updated 12th chapter.

Enjoy!

--

Shuichi's POV

I'm fading into darkness, somewhere where I can no longer see the real things. I can't feel my senses, I feel so numb. It's too cold for me, to live a life like this, among people whose smiles and offers of friendship are fake. Their artificial hearts are beating for fame, for their five minutes of glory.

They think I'm happy under the spotlight, standing there alone, singing the song I mean, but to the wrong people. All of them think I'm happy. But that's only my mask. It's a trick that I must use in order to sell my CDs.

It's a dirty business and I know that. I'm starting to forget why I am here in the first place, with Hiro and Suguru.

All of a sudden, I don't feel thrilled when I come to the stage and start my performance. Everything had lost its magic.

It used to be music, the way it sends you to faraway places. It used to be the thrill of applauds that I could hear through the night, on the stage, standing before thousands of people.

It used to be nice falling in trance while singing and listening to the cries of my best friend's guitar.

But I've lost my senses, I've lost my magic.

All of it disappeared and there's only the truth.

This world is so cruel and unfair.

I can see gypsum faces all around me. I can hear meaningless words coming out of their mouth.

I can no longer see anything beside those amber eyes full of lust, love and sorrow.

It was so unreal, his touches, his dry laugh, his ironic remarks.

It was all about him, and I couldn't escape.

All the magic is gone now.

I broke the circle.

I set myself free at last.

Yet I feel like a prisoner.

I don't go out.

Hiroshi invites me, drags me sometimes out of the apartment.

But we reach nowhere because I toss myself, scream and cry. I beg him to let me go back to the apartment.

I embarrassed myself with my girlish hysteria. All of his neighbors now know that Shindou Shuichi is mama's son, a twenty-six year old baby that cries.

What was the purpose of all that fame, autographs, expensive cars and new apartments, contracts and all other wonders?

K had cancelled all of our concerts in Europe and America because I didn't want to sing.

It's been a month since I met Eiri at that restaurant.

And really, he obeyed me. He never called, never showed up.

Now I see that he never cared and I was absolutely right.

What's the purpose of having everything when the real treasure lies in the persons that we love the most?

I have my family and my friend Hiro. I have Ryuichi and Tatsuha. I have even Mika beside me. I love all of them, yet it seems it's not enough.

Something's missing.

It's still one of those days when you think that life is one sick joke.

Sometimes I think that that day had never passed.

It's still there, haunting me every time I open my eyes.

I'm sad and depressive.

I don't feel like moving my limbs, opening my eyes, breathing in the bitter air in Hiro's room. I refuse to open the window and let the fresh air in.

I simply refuse and I don't know why.

There is no particular reason, as well as there is no particular reason why we exist, love, hate, make love, and eat the damn junk food…

There is no sense in words, books, music…

And then, one time when Hiro forced me to go to the bathroom and take a long shower (because I began to stink), I understood what life was.

You see, life is just a simple way to kill time between birth and death.

That's all what life is.

That's why it's pointless. It serves only to fill the time between two inevitable things.

Events in life are random and illogical. It doesn't matter what's going on, as long as you live (or kill the damn time).

"Can you look into my eyes and say that you're one stupid bastard?"

"Just forget it!"

--

Eiri's POV

I am an asshole. The biggest one and I'm proud of that.

What can I do when it had become the part of my personality years ago?

What can I do? I am what I am.

I see his suffer and I'm so proud of him. He'd been acting calm and he was all graceful in that restaurant.

I never wanted to bring him there with me because I was afraid he would make a scene.

And then, _he_ had invited _me_ there, and _I_ was the one to make a scene.

Such an irony.

Shuichi has a big heart. He can love the entire world and wider.

You can never hate him.

You can only love him.

I love you.

I miss you.

But I don't deserve you.

Yet I'll never say that out loud.

"Where are you going? Aren't we supposed to have lunch?"

"Change of plans" Tohma says. I don't like his smirk.

"What do you mean?" I ask when we sit in his car.

"Sometimes you need to be pushed."

"Huh?!"

But I don't say anything in addition.

I see Nakano's building and I see that door.

Tohma smiles at the red head, but the guy acts cold.

He reminds me of me.

But there is a difference.

He is actually warm to all people except Tohma.

That's reasonable, taking their history into the account.

But that was long time ago.

I think that they're gonna find their happiness in the end.

Unlike Shuichi and I.

I snort at the thought.

They say that they're going out for lunch and they're leaving us alone to talk.

I hear Shuichi mutter something like: "You came" with that hopeful tone in his voice.

Then he frowns and says:

"Can you look into my eyes and say that you're one stupid bastard?"

I shake my head.

"Just forget it!" I say and storm out of the apartment, breaking his heart once again, although I never wanted that.

It just enraged me, that arrogance in his voice and his stupid request.

Like he doesn't know me.

Like he doesn't know my pride.

--

AN: There you go! I hope you'll like it. :)

And please make sure to review!


	13. Chapter 13

He made a big mistake. No matter how much Eiri had screwed up, it was always good to hear anther opinion. It might be hard, but still, you need to hear what your opponent has to say in his defense.

Shuichi was staring at the door Eiri had just stormed out through. The singer was shaking uncontrollably, unable to regain his composure. His tear-filled eyes were trembling in shock and pain, he himself unable to comprehend how the simplest sentence such as: "Just forger it" could hurt so much,

In a different context it would mean nothing, but in this case, it was worse than a bullet.

It seemed that Seguchi had a plan and Hiro was cooperating. That was another betrayal to think about, since Shuichi was still sleeping in that bed, next to Hiro. And Hiro had no right to engage himself into the singer's personal affairs.

But the plan was good and Shuichi knew how much Hiro was sacrificing. The things with Tohma and him were bad, but still, Hiro had managed to have a nice conversation with him and be nice to him in order for him to help.

The strange fact is that Tohma was really ready to help. He seemed to really care about fixing one crashed relationship. Two, to be precise.

With the blink of his eye did he realize those facts and somehow the strength ran down to his legs as he made several rapid steps to the front door.

He ran to the street in search of Eiri that couldn't go far, since he didn't have his car nearby.

He looked left and then right, already feeling despair and helplessness. He couldn't see Eiri anywhere.

--

The blonde didn't know what else to do than to walk on foot to the nearest café and to drink until he passes out. That was his only escape, although he knew too well that he was much smarter than that and that he could think of something better to cure himself.

None of the solutions were alcohol, cheap men and women. Nothing could replace Shuichi. Nor did he want them to.

Not caring for people that were passing by (mostly women), pointing at him and saying that he was their favorite novelist, he was walking down the street with his head bowed, as if he was waiting for his sentence.

But the sentence newer came. He was waiting and waiting to be smashed by the car as he was crossing the street, but nothing happened.

Death didn't want him and life was giving him so little. He was just a mere husk waking on a sidewalk. He was a lonely pedestrian that had nothing to offer to this progressive and chromed world.

Everything was gray and sterile, the streets he was walking through.

The fake smiles of people all around him with their teeth bleached.

He was depressed. He was defeated. And, for the first time in his life, he wasn't ashamed of it. He knew that his destiny was to be the character of the book named life, to be the miserable one, misfortunate one, pathetic one.

And for the first time in his life, he made peace with the life.

And he could hear the voice. His life was calling for him.

It said: "Eiri, wait for me!" and it was humming in his head: 'Don't abandon your life. Don't run away like a coward again!' And his life was right.

"What for me, we need to talk!" he heard a shout behind him and murmurs of people all around them,

And then he turned. And he saw the life materializing before him, whose voice was calling for him, reaching deep into his mind.

His life was sweaty and it was breathing hard.

--

Just when he thought he would never find his love, Shuichi caught a glimpse of his favorite blonde. It was hard to believe, it happened just like in those black and white movies-they would recognize each other among thousands of other people and shout each other's names. And then they would run to each other and hug tightly one another. The familiar scenario that everybody that watched were expecting.

With Shuichi, it was always a scene.

And yes, Eiri did turn and did saw Shuichi. And Shuichi ran to him, but he stopped one meter precisely, before the writer.

And then, when he caught his breath, he managed to say somewhat calmly:

"Come on, let's go home."

And that was all about Hollywood cliché. They prevented it and it was unbelievable. Especially because Shuichi was such a drama queen and everybody knew that.

Eiri just nodded slightly, unable to react to this surprising twist of events. He would think about it later.

Without a word, he simply followed the shorter, until they reached Hiro's apartment.

--

--

--

"I think it is time for us to stop acting so childish. We're grown up men."

"You're the one that acts childish."

"Will you ever stop being all bitter?"

"Will _you _ever learn that you lost my trust for good?"

"Take it easy! We went out as friends. I don't want to argue."

'As friends…' this was something that the read head was currently trying to process in his brain, walking slowly next to the NG owner, through the huge and wonderfully decorated park.

The sight before them was breathtaking, and they were looking at it in awe.

The day was somewhat nice, with some clouds, yes, and it was cold. But still, it was nice and pleasant.

Still, their conversation wasn't.

"Do you think, will they make up?" he asked his companion.

"We did our best. Now we can only hope for the best.' said Tohma and stopped suddenly.

A few steps forward, Hiro stopped as well, looking at the blonde in confusion.

"But I have problems of my own and I don't have time to solve theirs." he distanced himself, being spiritually absent somewhere he himself didn't know where. But he knew it was somewhere far. As far as possible.'

Hiro frowned at his words.

"What problems?"

Tohma looked at him.

"What must I do in order for you to come back to me?"

--

AN: Well, I think that would be it for this chapter, the next one might be the last one.

But the writer never knows. What if an inspiration does to me something unexpected?

Anyway, see you soon and don't forget to **review**!


	14. Chapter 14

AN: You were lucky! The inspiration hit me! So this isn't the last chapter…

Special thank to all of you who review, but the most to Acherona, Fluffyfangirl89, The Girl Obsessed With Yaoi and sun's and stars.

Sorry if I forgot to mention the ones who's been constantly reviewing as well.

On with the story…

--

"Sometimes I want to scream: 'Take it out, take it out! It hurts too much to be a human!' I want to scream it out loud, because when I think better, it's the best if I didn't have soul. Because it just hurts too much to have it." said Shuichi, while sitting on a comfortable couch, while Eiri was sitting very close to him.

"Sometimes you make me feel so bad. I listen to your breathing at night and you sometimes moan in a dream. Sometimes I think that it's not me that you dream of. And it hurts me. Because sometimes I think that you don't love me at all.

I feel like my skin was set on fire. I simply want to quit my existence. But I'm a coward and I just can't make that cut on my skin or take a handful of pills. I just can't stop my existence. But very often, it is too much for me, this life." Shuichi lowered his head, staring at his nails. Eiri was listening carefully, the way his lover was talking. He was talking poetically, opening his heart and it was hard and painful to listen. Eiri knew how Shuichi was feeling, yet he never did anything about it. He was a sadist and he knew he was wrong all the time.

"Very often I wish to forget everything. I want to forget all the good and the bad things. It's inevitable to forget the good things because they come together with the bad ones. I want to forget you, but I just can't.

I tried to run away from reality. I tried to run away through my songs, through my friendships, through the tours. But I never managed to get you out of my mind.

Love is too difficult to handle, Eiri….To me, it's just an illusion, for I found out that there is no such thing like 'one and only for the rest of their lives'. There is no such thing." he never lifted his look.

There was one long and hard moment of silence. Eiri didn't know what to say. It's been terrible to him as well, but nothing could be compared to Shuichi's suffer. For Eiri was the one to produce it.

Shuichi never deserved to suffer.

The blonde cleared his throat, not sure if he was ready to open up the heart at last.

"Um…" he hesitated, and Shuichi lifted his sad and teary eyes to look at him. They seemed so tired of all of those struggles and sleepless nights and tears.

"The main cause I drink is to escape. Alcohol gives you the blissful moments of complete numbness. Your soul is paralyzed, it is there and you are aware of it, but you can't feel. You're not hurt, you're not happy, you're nothing. You just float somewhere between reality and dream, your soul separated from your body. It is pure and untouched and you feel healed for a tiny little moment until you fall down roughly. The reality slaps you so hard and all you want is a little more of numbness. For you know that there is no sense and you can't do nothing about it.

I went through a lot of things in my life. The bad ones. But…that's not excuse.

The most of the things I do now…there is no particular reason I do them."

And really, there was no particular reason for being that bad towards Shuichi.

Eiri couldn't look at him.

"I can't control them." Eiri shook his head, "Sometimes I don't understand my own actions. All I feel later is remorse. And the bitter one."

"You disrespect me." Shuichi sad shortly, feeling something in his throat. It was choking him. "Why?"

But Eiri said nothing.

"You yell at me because I'm there. My presence annoys you. You just want to fuck me."

Eiri was silent.

"We never go out. You're ashamed of me."

The novelist closed his eyes, trying to prevent the tears.

"And I've been forgiving you." Shuichi was whispering, his voice trembling.

"I've been sacrificing and worrying for you. I did all of crazy things just for you. And you just left me astray."

"Shu…"

"Please don't tell me you feel remorse for leaving me. You feel remorse for _being_ with me."

"It's not like that at all."

"You will never change because you don't care for others."

"That's not true!" Eiri looked at him, determination in his voice. "You know nothing about me."

"Sometimes I ask myself if I care. I think I don't care anymore. It's been enough. I mustn't allow you break me again."

Eiri has never been like this before. Neither has Shuichi. But that was the last straw. Nether could take any longer. Shuichi wanted to be free, but Eiri wanted him back.

'Just shut your damn mouth! Shut the damn mouth, Shuichi!!'

Eiri jumped on him, capturing him between his body and couch, in order to shut his mouth.

His lips found Shuichi's, capturing them in desperate kiss. He was holding Shuichi's arms tightly, not allowing him to resist.

A tear fell on Shuichi's face, tickling him.

And just like that, Shuichi gave in, for he was desperate as well.

For that was his only escape at the moment.

Just shut down the brain.

Just be unaware.

And you will be saved.

--

TBC…


	15. Chapter 15

Simple friction between Yuki's palms and Shuichi's heated skin was telling about love and longing they were feeling for each other. Their faith was the worst one-they were the right people, but the place was wrong and the time was wrong.

Lips crashing on lips in desperate rush to tell through a kiss everything they felt. There were no words to describe how much they've been longing for each other.

Suddenly, the life had sense, but at the same time, Shuichi was asking himself what would happen after they finish with they 'body conversation'.

What could guarantee him that Yuki would change this time?

While Yuki was undressing him, a terrible flashback appeared before his startled eyes. He couldn't even blink; vivid images of their terrible past and voices in his head were haunting him.

_Will you stop hanging up on me?!_

_You never care for the happenings in my life!_

"_Yuki, would you like to read the song I wrote?"_

"_No. I'm not interested."_

"_Someday, you'll regret for all what you're doing to me!"_

"_What am I doing to you?"_

"_As if you don't know!"_

_Hanarenai… _

'Why can't I get rid of those memories?'

Tears were streaming down his pale cheeks as he was desperately pulling Yuki's naked body closer, making him be inside him even deeper.

As if his life depended on it.

Yuki was ravishing his neck, unaware of the environment, just feeling Shuichi's sweet scent, regretting he destroyed that happy boy Shu used to be.

So screwed up, he pulled the boy with himself to the bottom.

Shuichi's voice was in his ears, a conversation they were having so many times. But then, it was irrelevant to him.

"_It's like the endless, dark abyss and me falling down. Just falling, falling, falling…"_

"_What are you trying to say? If you want to break up with me, why don't you say so, Shuichi? Please don't leave me here in dark. I can't take it any longer."_

"_I want to break up with you, but I can't…" the pink haired singer's eyes were full of tears that moment, "Because I love you too much to leave you." _

If only he paid attention to it then, when his lover practically begged for him to be better. But he ignored his words then, giving empty promises.

He opened his eyes to look at that face. Shu's eyes were closed and it seemed that he was enjoying. But the tears…

He never believed that Shu would leave him.

If only…

But he couldn't torture himself what would have been if he had been smarter then.

The singer moaned loudly and it encouraged Eiri to go faster, but to be careful. He didn't want to hurt his Shu. But it's been so long since he has had sex.

Shu was his only one.

If only Shuichi knew.

The face of the smaller was covered with light, loving kisses and he smiled a little.

The memories of good filled his mind.

But they had a bitter taste.

With the erratic sighs, Shuichi came and a few seconds after, Eiri came as well.

---

---

---

Hiro sighed.

"I don't feel like talking about that." (1)

"Why not?" Tohma approached him, gripping his arm. Those big eyes were asking so many questions.

"Because I just can't."

Tohma understood. He really did.

"But some time in the future, will you give me the chance?"

Hiro tilted his head aside.

He shrugged.

"Perhaps." he said.

Tohma gave him insecure smile.

"Perhaps, some time, when I recover from all this mess."

"Promise me."

"I can't promise you anything." Hiro continued walking.

Tohma ran after him.

"What do you mean?"

The red head sighed.

"I'm so tired…"

He found a bench.

"I know." Tohma sat next to him.

"It all looks like one sick joke. This life, love, principles…And the struggle to maintain happiness and welfare." the red head was surprised how philosophic he sounded.

"I understand." Tohma placed his hand on Hiro's.

The guitarist looked at the blonde.

"I love you." he said, with weak, barely hearable voice. He tried to smile, but it looked so broken and wrong, his face just a reflection on shattered pieces of glass.

Tohma was observing him with those warm big eyes, absorbing those words and repeating them in his head over and over again.

But before he could say that he loved back Hiro, the said man was gone. He didn't even notice that, for he was somewhere deep down in his thoughts.

It was still cold, but it felt so nice on his skin.

He smiled and walked off.

---

Face to face with sleeping Yuki, Shuichi was sleeping as well.

But, in his sleep, he was restless.

What would happen when they wake up?

Was there any space for some kind of a compromise?

---

TBC…

(1)See chapter 13


	16. Chapter 16

AN: Enjoy the 'almost' last chapter! There will be the epilogue as well, in the VERY last chapter. :) And please R&R!

---

Shu opened his eyes. He was feeling so tired. So tired of living and struggling with various problems that were constantly on his way.

You may think that he would wake up happy, now when he's with his lover. But no. He was miserable. Many questions were not letting him to relax and enjoy. The tension in his lungs was too big for him to handle, for having so much anxiety in heart and too many questions in his head.

His chest hurt like hell every time he breathed in. They were burning in non-existing fire, and he was struggling for air. His asthmatic attack began again.

He has had asthma for two years now, since he had ran out of the apartment all in sweat, into the cold night air, after one big argue with Yuki. They had been arguing about porn images in Yuki's phone. The writer had been flatly refusing to delete them. In that period, Shuichi had had problems with intimacy, since he had had some problems with prostate (despite he was so young), and the doctor had advised him not to have sex for a period of time.

Yuki had been too impatient. It hurts when you see your love jerking off on somebody else than you.

Shu would never forget that. And as the asthmatic attack became more serious, for his excitement and anxiety, he remembered how he had gotten asthma. And he remembered the pictures.

So the question popped in his head, while he was taking his medicine. Could Eiri be of trust, after all they've been through?

It would always be heartache.

It would always be agony.

A pair of warm, long arms wrapped around his waist.

"Having attack?" a sleepy voice asked.

"Nothing serious."

Soft lips met his shoulder.

"You alright?"

"I will be." Shu replied.

---

When Hiro entered apartment last night and heard some heavy sighs and moans from his room, he knew what that was all about. Of course, he didn't know that Shu had been chasing after Yuki, for Shuichi had immediately attacked him in the apartment.

Luckily, they ended up together. Hiro smiled and flipped his phone open.

He explained the situation to Tohma.

"Come over to me." said Tohma.

---

The next morning, Hiro found himself in the embrace of the blond. He shifted a bit and smiled. He could feel the eyes of another observing him. Hiro turned to face him.

The face of another was calm and peaceful.

"Tohma?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I'll give you another chance."

Those lips curved into a smile. He was wordless.

"Thank you, Hiro." he barely whispered.

Hiro was glad for the tone of sincerity in Tohma's voice. The morning was beautiful.

The best beginning of a day.

"But be careful, Seguchi Tohma." Hiro stood up from the bed.

---

Amethyst eyes were looking seriously into the golden ones.

"This is your very last chance, Eiri." Shuichi said seriously.

"I'm aware of that." the writer lowered his head.

"And don't you forget it." Shuichi stepped aside to collect his things for a cupboard.

Eiri was observing his lover, eyes full of love and respect. His eyes were wet and warm.

"Yeah….Let's go home, Shuichi." he smiled and approached his lover, to help him pack.

It seemed that the ice berg melted at last.

It wasn't cold anymore.

----

:)


	17. Epilogue: Vixi

**Chapter 17**

**Epilogue: Vixi**

**Very important AN:**** Number 17 has a special meaning for this chapter. It is the last chapter, and it is 17****th****. !7 can be written as XVIII, and if we recombine these letters, we get VIXI, which is the past participle of Latin verb **_**vivo, vivere, vixi, victum**_** (Latin verbs are quoted in four forms: present time, infinitive, past participle and passive voice). So, when we say Vixi, it means: **_**I lived**_**. Therefore, number 17 is considered a death number. **

**Please don't flame me until you read this chapter. Many readers told in their reviews that this story is depressive. But don't you worry about that now. **

**So, on with the story!**

**---**

_Vixi_

_For you_

_Our love was something_

_That was never true_

He was dancing on a stage like a snake, while he was yelling in a microphone.

_My memories of you_

_Burn deep, deep down_

_They touch my soul,_

_The sorrow's crown_

The glitter of the stage, and his sweat while he was jumping on the stage… He was ducking to look at the eyes of his worshippers.

_My memories of you_

_And I can only say_

_Vixi, till the end_

He was standing there as a God, in the spotlight, so beautiful, so powerful. From the backstage, the pair of amber was observing him. The snake-like body was reflecting in his eyes. It was rocking in the rhythm to express the pain, to connect the listeners to the lyrics.

_Vixi, vixi, vixi…_

_I lived for you_

_And I died for you_

_As I fall into eternity…_

Tear stained face was conversing with the audience, and thousands of people and million more, abroad, who were watching the concert on TV, understood him, taking in every word, every comma, every sob of the heated singer.

_As I fall,_

_I'm thinking of you_

_Reincarnate me,_

_Raise me from my ashes_

Hiro's guitar was crying beautiful melodies.

_My memories of you_

_And I can only say_

_Vixi, till the end_

Shu closed his eyes, raising one hand to touch his wet cheek, becoming one with the song.

_The flutter of your lashes…_

_Vixi for it…_

He opened his eyes, looking straight into the camera.

_For my Yuki,_

_For my everything…_

_Vixi…_

_My memories of you_

_And I can only say_

_Vixi, till the end_

_Vixi…_

He finished the song, and with last accords, Hiro finished as well. The crowd was crazed. They were whistling and applauding and screaming the name of the bend. Shuichi bowed and left the stage, crying silently from excitement.

---

"You sound pathetic, Shuichi." Yuki told him in the wardrobe.

"Did you see the audience? They were amazing! I think they loved I added your name."

"It sounds like you're unhappy with me, again." the writer said, offended.

"You know for the fact that I'm ok now." Shuichi sat in his lap, attacking his neck. "As long as you're not an asshole you used to be and until we make compromises." he whispered.

"Brat…" Eiri hugged him. "Forget about past…" he groaned, as Shuichi shifted in his lap, causing a friction between his ass and Eiri's half-aroused member.

He attacked singer's neck, trying to mark him.

"Bury that shit…" he pushed Shu from his lap, making him sit on the couch.

Intoxicated by the writer's scent, Shu fell backwards and right after, Eiri was on top of him, setting him free from those glittery clothes.

"Mmmm…Yuki…" Shuichi groaned, entangling fingers into the blond hair.

And he knew the moment when all the bad times could be forgotten, was that moment in embrace of Yuki Eiri. And only thing that the haunting past could say was: "Vixi!", and disappear.

Well, at least, temporarily.

---

"_Compromises, Tohma."_ was echoing in Seguchi's head while he was walking down the street, hand in hand with Hiro. But he didn't like the other people's looks.

He wasn't ashamed at all, but there were compromises to be made. If he wanted to be on top, he had to become straight again. in order to save both his heads, for they weren't common gay couple as Yuki and Shuichi. They were the hated one. And all Tohma was worried about was Hiro's and his safety.

Compromises…

..,sometimes we need to sacrifice in order to survive the life's difficulties. Sometimes to sacrifice means to make a compromise.

He dropped Hiro's hand.

Hiro looked at him with the eyes full of surprise and disbelief.

'So, you _are_ ashamed of me.' he thought bitterly. His lips curved.

"I'm sorry, Hiro..."

---

OWARI

AN: Well, I hoped you liked it. I left this opened in case I want to write a sequel.

I'm so sad I brought this to the end, but, you know, nothing lasts forever. I really enjoyed writing this. It helped me rid of stress and sadness. I hope you liked it as well.

Please make sure to review this last chapter.

Love you all,

Yaoi flame


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